Half

it's always half empty.

maybe i'm living with perfectionist, that i can't live up to their standard.

it's always half empty glass.

why can't you see that it's half full?

everyday there's always something to complain about.

the day is not crooked, the plant is watered, the food is cooked on the table, the bills are paid, the cars always with filled with oil. what is missing here?

3 months ago....

oh come one. give me a break. things that happened 3 months ago and still not solved?

5 years ago....

what??!! 5 years ago and you still dig it out???

i still can't find my way, the kind of life i want to lead, the values i want to hold on to in life and the life principle that is non-negotiable.

as i'm still staying under parent's roof, and a quarter century old, I'm not totally involved in the society yet. I'm covered, protected and hence, have that perfect idea of how i want my life to be. but yet, everything went wrong when i come back home.

Forgive others as God forgives you. No, i can't see that. People hold grudges.
Love is patient. No, love is selfish.

On one hand, i'm giving up on the values that i thought i'm going to live on. But on the other hand, I wanted to make a difference. to live a different life, from what the adults has showed. I know no one is perfect, but we do live towards perfection, to be better each day.

I still don't believe and never want to live the life like them, to hold grudges, doesn't want to let go, to live each day taking for granted the person sleeping next to you, or even person in the same house under the same roof, or life that you're investing. I don't want to bring on the excess baggage each day as I get older each year.

Life is too short to hold grudges on people. But too bad, not many people appreciate this.

I forgot

I miss being happy.

Do whatever I want.

Be however I want.

Don't need to according to situation and man's face expression.

Don't need to think and rethink of what to say and how to say all the time.

Don't need to keep begging people to get things done.

Don't need to do things that is not even my problem at first.

I really miss, being happy.

Sad

This view was the very first image I see when we arrived Redang the other day. Saw this sad coconut tree all alone. You may disagree with me, that the tree looks outstanding among the trees there. Some people say, the way you interpret the picture depends on your state of emotion. A view of a sun half way down/up by the sea, could be interpreted as sunset, a pessimistic thinking, but it could be optimistic too, that the sunset awaits for the next sunrise marks the new day and new beginning. Well, when I took the picture of the tree, I was happy, cause we're in the island for holidays but i still think that it's a sad tree.

I still think that it's a sad tree now.

I'm home

I came home, With a reluctant heart. I know, this time it's not gonna be easy for me. tonnes of work waiting for me, heavy burden waiting to change shoulder. When the plane touches the airport, i still wish that the plane take a U-Turn and fly me back to KL. I know, this not gonna be easy.

As i came home, i was given a to do list. Virtual list. List that i cannot imagine how long. After the hard work of studying for 5 months non-stop, i just hope that i have my life back. Not that i don't want to have a life, but, do i have the choice now? As night comes, I stay up trying not to sleep, fear of the next day, and when i wake up the next day, i try to sleep back, for trying to run away with all the responsibilities that were thrown to me. But well, at least, i still can hear loved ones calling/sms-ing and say hi and ask me how am I, which i look forward all the time, to ease that stress.

I'm so glad i took 2 weeks off after the exam before coming back home. I really miss the time there. I really miss it.

At Redang

At Kenyih Lake (don go there!!). Lousy place nothing to see. the room was great. BIG toilet.
Service was bad. slow as snail. Good companion, great time.

2 days

I know i am siao cha boh. Was advised by mr lil lecturer to read International Trade for Commercial Law. So, i came back home, printed the notes out and pass midnight just now then only i start reading. I've never read this topic before, I've never attended class on this before, in fact, this subject i self-study. so, tell me if i'm crazy. but i've done my memorising for this subject, so, just add one in case.

well, all i need is to pray right. God will bless me. Just that, to be on the safe side, i better add one more topic in my hand, then will be more confident. what kind of bullet attack me also i can counterfeit back. Amen yea! haha....

K, i better go sleep. Nights everyone!

5 Days to Exam

hmm.... in the midst of lil break before continue working. Yes, it's 5 days to my exam. Doing good so far, memorising cases and pumping in as much as i can. Just a bit weird as i don't feel the exam stress. maybe i've studying consistently. Just memorising, I used up 2 days to memorise one chapter. How slow!

Anyway, some of the friends going to finish their exam in an hour time, some just finished one paper, and some like me, haven't start exam yet. Can't wait!! in the midst of preparing for exam, we're planning for holidays!! hahahhaa.... can't wait.. can't wait!!

K.... gottta continue eat my notes!

To those sitting for exam, All the best!!

Oh, ignore the names bottom. those are jurists names which i need to memorise. >.< Notice there were 2 Johns. If onlynthe others name John as well, hahaha...

03.05.08 - Part II

It's Saturday again. Today was a not-so-good day but still glad and rejoice. It's always that on saturday that I'm quite down in the mood. Most probably because i've been attending church service alone, for the past few weeks. If I see any familiar faces, i'll sit next to them. If not, i'll sit by myself. But today, I next to an uncle who doesn't pay attention during praise and worship. Hmm. The projector was "attacked" a few times and the computer went blue screen and the uncle "eh, physical memory....". K, he was singing while looking around, which annoyed me. And on my right side, an auntie who kept shaking her the whole time. She shaked every few minutes,shaked until the body shakes and i can feel the vibration, and it made me dizzy.

I can't help but to think, why am i alone again. Really, no one will know if i don't attend church. I can't help to think back what I've gotten for the past 8 years here in I know i've been missing in action for the past 3 years. Not sure whether i was too busy with my work that i've forgotten about investing in people, therefore i'm quite alone. No, i'm not being self-sympathy. But that's quite sad, and i can't help but crying during the praise and worship. with all the noise of the drum and the electric guitar, it just sanked in and i just stood there trying to sing along. But it was good, just being me and me.

It's been a while, and i'm now feeling the exchaustion. I can't wait to go back home, and to be myself. Just tired leaving up to expectation of people, trying to be the person that others want me to be. And all the disappointment that i get, making me tired. I know, it's my life huh. But we're in a community connected so much to each other that we couldn't really do what we wanted to do.

So, i went pasar malam just now. Pasar malam has been great for the past few weeks. the only place that i go to walk around and relax. can't wait for exam to be over. i'll buy all the food that i want to eat and walk as long as i want.

ciao. back to studies.

take care people!!

03.05.08

10 days to exam, and i'm still working on it. Doing the 2nd round revision, which re-check the notes i've done and write (read: copy) some essays. But well, though it seems almost done, like 85% done, but there's always a fear that the materials that i've prepared is not enough. Ahh well, what is not enough, what can you write in 45 minutes per question, nothing much. Anyways.....

Saw this when i throw the bottles of chicken essence that i drank. don't know how many are they here, but i know i've thrown a lot. average 2 per bottle per day, it didn't make me sleep less. I still sleep at least 8 hours per day. oh, last night was 10 hours. ya ya, i know i'm a pig. ty say, maybe my body is immune to chicken essence. Oh, there was one night i drank 
vitamin C booster before i sleep, and that night i slept 12 hours. So, not Vitamin C before sleep.

Alright, i better go sleep now. Gambate people!! You have my support, you have my prayer, you have my love, you have my blessings, and God is with you!

God bless, have a productive weekend!!

20.04.08

Today i went to class an hour earlier, which is NOT me. am known for not being punctual, what more being early. Haha. Class was postponed to an hour later, which non of the classmates thought of telling me. And a few of them told me the same excuse after i asked them one by one, why they didn't tell me. "i'm just helping you to be early. See... you're early today!!". grrr.. even mr lecturer said the same thing. -__-'''

Still, in the midst of preparing for exam, and troubles never respect people. While trying to concentrate on studies and chasing after time to meet the target of the day, well,
a lot of things delay us. Troubles. For those that is willing to hold the burden alone trying not to interupt my attention, i appreciate all the love. But troubles doesn't recognise status and condition. they are not exceptional and like the summer in Malaysia, it's a whole year season.

if only people learn to forgive and forget, if only people learn to love self-lessly and not selfishly, if only peope learn to give and to hope, if only people learn to look at the bigger picture (general satisfaction) rather than the small small picture (own satisfaction).

I heard from the radio,
A teacher draw a dot on the white board and ask her students what can they see. unisonly they shouted "A DOT!!!". the teacher asked again, is that all you can see? A dot, they replied.

often our eyes, focus on the little dot and can't take our view out of that dot. is that all you can see? a dot, which equivalently a mistake. often in relationships, people remembers the mistake that u made, the things that the other person doesn't like, the expectation that wasn't fulfilled, the things that hurt you and others. all this, sum it all, can make a big thing. but looking at the other way, they forgot how people has given out to love them, the sacrifice that they made, the effort that they invested in the relationship to own that place in your heart and to continue to hold on to that position. well, no one is perfect. no one is good enough to say, i've never done anything wrong to you before.

My mom likes to nag at me. she can nag nag nag and naaaaag all the time. who likes to be nagged??! 
not me!
but, in times when i need support, especially in the midst of exam, her nagging becomes my encouragement, 
becomes a support for me to walk extra miles, and a way of loving me. 

a lot of times, we stand strong in a view and complains about things that is incomplete, or rather, things that is not according to our way. My mom's nag is really terrible. But, if you think in another perspective, hey, sometimes my mom's nagging makes sense. she loves me, that's why she gives advice, in a nagging manner.

a lot of times, we ask, what do you have to offer me. but a lot of times, we forgot that our blessings are thousandfold, that we forgot, we can actually bless others and offer to other people.

well, i'm lucky enough not to have relationships that is close enough to have relationship problems. i'm not avoiding it, it was a choice, after all.

but among all, if only people learn to be meek and not ego. Ego can be a wall, that stop u from blessings that u can't imagine off.

k... i shall stop now. too much i dunno what is it. must be the jurisprudence class that makes me think of nonsense.

what am i talking? nonsense lorr.........

Believe

I remember last year when I just started doing revision for my referred paper, it was a struggle to me. Wanting to study and absorb everything that i read but at the same time, my heart keep blaming the subject which made me stay in KL for my year 3. I thought i'm going to fly off in september last year, but i didn't get to. all because of a silly mistake.

I remember during that period I was struggling, i texted my big sista, asking for strength and prayers. says her, know that what the devil meant for evil, God meant for good ya.

I went through it, and of course, i passed the paper.

And now, I'm preparing for my final year exam. Struggling of course, but always, God is good. No one understands what we're going through except for people that is going through it together with me. only in them i find strength and courage, and of course with prayers, i survive till today. until this point, if i don't help myself, no one can. if i choose not to continue on and just stop, no one can help me. It's me who decide, whether to continue or to stop.

Till now, whenever there is bad thoughts, i keep telling myself, knowing that God meant for good, devil meant for evil. I keep telling myself to focus, focus on what is more important now, which is the exam. there's no way of turning back, it's just cms close, to success. like what i told sy, our leg is up already, waiting to jump over to success.

no point turning back, no point going through the emo. right now, just have to pick and choose the emotions that is good, to be in the best condition to survive till the exam. Filtering i suppose, to hear what can build you up, and not things that can tear you down. saying is easy, i'm still trying too, till today, to focus. i couldn't agree more with what ty said, all the things that is not important, take it as an entertainment for break inbetween studies. haha.

i didn't meet my target today. been slack, been playing today. but well, no point turning back and whine about it. as long as i continue moving... though a bit. but as long as i didn't stop. yea? haha

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
So can you, if only you choose to believe!

Amazing Grace

It's interesting to know, bits and bits of us, we a product of things that happened to us, especially things that left a big scar, or left a big memories in us, or things that were so important to us that is not a constant reminder to us to not to walk back to the same road that led us to pain and so to say, suffering before.

If we think carefully, the way we talk, the way we react to things, the way we deal with things, somehow, some, reflect or the consequences, or the results as to those memories that were placed in the bad memory store room in our heart. Memories, good or bad, somehow, made who we are today.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

Of course, the good ones, we keep. But the bad ones, those that left us "empty" months, those that made us cry every time someone close give us that look, those memories after months still fresh in our mind, the grudges especially, bad relationships and fights, left quite a significant mark, depends on the depth of those marks, depends on how serious was it, depending on how hurt we were.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

And because of all that happened, you told yourself, constantly, i will not this and i will not that. But after being soaked into the matter for so long, so much that we thought we're so hurt that we kept telling ourself, it's okay, let the time heal everything. We were overwhelmed by all the things that had happened, that whenever people share their experiences, we think that, oh well, you're not in my shoe, you'll never understand.

Somehow, part of me, who I am today, is what I've told myself, after the hurts and the bad memories, be it things that happened to me, or things that happened around me. And, it's holding me back, to things beyond my thinking, beyond what I have now.

My Chains are gone,
I've been set free,
My God My Saviour,
has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace.

Today, in the church. Ps Andy did the prayer for closing after the worship. I was touched by what he asked. "Do you have anything that hold you back? The Chain that is holding you back?"

2 weeks after Easter, normally, weeks after Easter then only I really realise what Easter is all about. Every year of Easter, I receive different kind of blessings. And this year, i know, my chains are gone. set free by Christ dying on the cross for our sins.

Is there anything holding you back? let it resurrect together with Jesus Christ! Amen!

(just try to understand what i say. i type out whatever is in mind. in the midst of exam and believe that, i need to share this. God bless! Have a blessed weekend!)

(song by Chris Tomlin, Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone))

08.04.08

Just made some changes to the blog. got bored with the previous colour. And the head of the blog, drew it using Paint program in the windows. just for temporary, till i finish my exam.

I'm feeling much better now, after all the tears and prayers and supports, I'm much stronger. Hmm, other than squeezing fats out of us in preparation for exam, other than the sweat and toil, we also lost buckets of tears. At the end of the exam, everyone will come out like zombie, didn't sleep well, didn't rest well, didn't eat well. haha.

2 months more before freedom. Can't wait! But at the same time, hope that time past slowly, because graduation. haha. finally.

May my desire, be His will. Amen!

God bless!

Big eh... it's Tiger Prawn. Yummy.
Had this in future-sis-in-law's house.
The tiger prawn, of course from Sabah.... hahaha.....
thanks to my dad!

04.04.08

I'm still in the midst of preparing for exam. While battling with books, I'm also fighting against bad thoughts in the head. Not many people is being supportive, sometimes, people just utter words without realising that they actually tear people down. So, other than trying to understand the notes that i'm reading, i'm trying hard too, to fight against the evil thoughts.

Knowing that God meant for good and devil meant for evil, I shall keep the faith in Him.

Today, I've bought about RM100 worth of supplements, just to maintain myself in the best condition. To those who are studying for exam, do take care of your health. Rest appropriately!

Till then, God Bless!

Had birthday celebration last Wednesday. more than 20 of us were there.
Happy Burfday Celeste! Forever 21... kahkahkah.....

31.03.08

Stress is when the clock ticks 5pm and your finger is so tempted to press that button on the square box, while you're at your study table, trying to study.

Grrrr.........

3pm - Taiwan Drama Series
5pm - Singapore Drama Series
6pm - Taiwanese Drama Series
8.30pm - Korean Drama Series

I need someone to help me to chain my tv to the store room.

bleh.

At The Cross

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh.. I know You love me

No man can find a word to describe the pain and suffering that Jesus Christ had endured at the cross, and thus excruciation was found from the latin to describe the worst state of pain. It means, At the Cross, describing the state of Pain Jesus endured at the cross, was, the worst of all.

No man also can find a word to describe the unconditional love from the Father in Heaven to us, the people and only agape love, means selfless love, can describe it.

For God so loved the world that
he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish
but have eternal life.
John 3:16

May Easter Day, stay in our heart everyday, reminding us His love for you, and for me. Jesus Loves You! Happy Easter!

16.03.08

It was just a week ago that the Internet connection was in the peak during the midnight and houses was still light up watching the tv with the mobile phone company earlier informed that there would be no report delivery on Saturday night. It was the election. And after a week, there is still hoo and haa all over the place, with people doesn't try help but instead creating more mess.

Last year, we celebrated Merdeka day up at Bukit Tinggi together with the college friends attending our church College Camp. On the midnight past merdeka day, we had countdown and mini fashion show of whose attire resembled Merdeka the most. Each of us was given a small Malaysia flag and had prayers and celebration that night. Well, I wasn't so keen that night. To me, it's just another merdeka.

For past one week, I've been watching videos of leaders and election candidates speech uploaded to the internet. Frankly, if it's not for the election, I won' be so patriotic, so into the politics, the law and order of the country. I must admit that this was the 2nd time I missed the voting for the election, I didn't even register myself. That tells you how disconnected I am to the country. Though i read news everyday, but what the politician does, what's happening to the government, i don't really know, cause all i read is, the kepoh stuff that happened or happening.

Now and then, I heard lots of criticism about everything that is happening, and I myself contributed much to the negative comments on the country, but well, it makes me realise, I'm still a Malaysian. The truth that I was born here, can't be changed. the domicile of origin is acquired at your birth, cannot be abandoned and can only be held in abeyance. Thus, that makes me Anak Malaysia.

I always think, what the country can do to me. Just like a lot of people, the grass is greener over the other side. The fact that we think that the grass is greener over the other side because we see only the greener side of that place, and the fact that we say it's greener there, cause we doesn't know that place as much as we know our own place, Malaysia. No matter how terrible you think it is, it is still, your origin.

As much criticism was given post election, to anyone that is involved, we forgot the main purpose of the election. A lot of people, in support of the particular candidate/politician/representative/party that they admire/like/love/die with/etc, became self-centred and not looking at the matter. the very purpose of the election, is to elect the leaders whom we think are able to lead the country, to development and prosper. And we forgot that, the main purpose of election, is also to discard the unrighteous ones and to place the meeks, righteous ones and the peacemakers. Most importantly, God-Fear ones. A lot of people forgot that, we have to look at the matter rather than the person, dealing with the problem that we have rather than shooting the person(s).

Ask not what the country can do to you, but ask what you can do to your country. I am still very proud, being a Malaysian.

15.03.08

the countdown is, exactly 8 weeks to exam.

as scary as it is, i still continue on and persevere. there's so much to be afraid of i just need to remind myself, not to leave a back door. grrrr.......

i just want to update my blog.

haha!

All the best!!

24.02.08

Half way studying......

Year of Rata-Touile

I am procrastinating. Just last night i was so stress with studies and fear that i cannot finish my syllabus on time, and here i am, upload photos and blog.

Nothing much.... just want to share.....

Was having breakfast together with BIG family, and heard the group of lion dance people past by to the shop next door. So, I quickly ran out to join the crowd. Hehe.... I just love the noise and th crowd.

2 days ago, marked the 15th day of the first month of Chinese Lunar Calender. I went over to Sze's house to have dinner. Last year there were 6 of us, and this year left 3 of us. Ty and Sy... i know you miss us, the photo is for you both. hehe.

K.... Have a great weekend!!

21.02.08

Am taking a break from studying, just start my revision on the subject that I don't like the most, and most students find it, bored or too hard to understand, jurisprudence.

It's not really hard though, just that the words that they use, are words that we don't normally use, or words that are found only in the dustbins. Since the jurists that wrote what is law is all about were from the 17th to 19th Century, their english, though much better than Shakespeare, but still, hard to understand.

After reading repeatedly, I finally understand. But the problem is, I need to scrutinize it. Whoa, criticising the work of jurist from 18th Century, that makes me a master in law. Questions need us to give in our comments and our opinions, what do we think about it. This is my problem, i don't know how to give comment. I can't even give comments on questions such as 'what do u think about death sentence on criminal?'. to talk about just morality, i can answer that. but jurisprudence is more than just law and morality, i guess.

The education system that we have plus the background that we were from, tells it all, that why a simple question like that, we were only able to answer err yes, or no. We were not born to environment that teach us to be different and interactive, but rather into a passive way of learning system and swallow everything that the teacher says. of course, education system is changing towards i don't know what direction, but a lot of times lecturers tried to create interactive class but it didn't work.

But well, since i don't have any comment or my own opinion, i shall just take the opinion of contrasting jurists and agree with it. muahahahaha...

back to work :p

18.02.08

It's been a while....

addy says, my blog is growing cobweb...
me, i'm being generous... offer the spider a place to stay.....

a break while studying...... yeng sent me this.....



It lifted me up, renewed my strength.

Cheers! Have a good weekend!

T h a N k Y o U

It's the last day of the year now, and everyone is rushing, to end the year well, to start off the new year with excellence. Young adults' partying, parents rushing to buy school equipment, churches organising overnight prayer and thanksgiving party and me, not excluded from all this.
It's been a year of roller coaster, as i've shared with some of the cell members during the sharing time. The high and low throughout the year, brought me where i am today. After all the laughter and crying, the wondering and pondering, i finally understood why God brought me where I am today.

I thank God for family. For the support that I've never imagine.

I thank God for the group of friends that has been there for me, in times of up and down, they where there and i know, though they're far away, they're always there for me.

I thank God for my results. If it's not for one referred paper that made me stay in KL for Year 3 instead of going to UK, i wouldn't get to be there for my mom during her operation few weeks back. Brother was right, through times of trial that we get to see, what we have missed. Oh, praise the Lord, i passed my referred paper. Now, OFFICIALLY, i'm in my final year!!!

I thank God for the wonderful camp that we went. Not so much of the seminars and team building sessions that i've gained, but just sitting at the feet of Jesus, enjoying His presence through the praise and worship session restored my strength and pull me up again.

I thank God, for everything that He has done. Indeed, we never run short of His blessings. the only thing that pull us back, the only thing that hold us back, is only ourselves. whether we can reach the impossible, whether we can succeed that dream which we think we will not made it, whether we can reach the higher level, is all depending on ourselves. When the whole world turn against you and tell you, you will not make it, when no one stand besides you to hold you and support you through, it's still YOU ultimately, we make the decision, whether or not you want it.
And now, it's time to think of, what i want to achieve next year. The sky is the limit, and the only limitation, is your own desire. You sets it, whether to fly high, or not to.

Happy New Year! May God brings u to another level in life, bless you abundantly, blesses you in every where u go!

24.12.07

Merry Christmas!!

05.12.07

I was digging into my hardisk, looking for my favourite show, Devil Wears Prada but nowhere to be seen. Not sure if i've deleted it, or i saved it somewhere. Just the other day i was sharing with a friend about life and work and i told her, I don't mind having a work like the girl in Prada as i like the stress of work and i enjoy it. Something which i wanted to do, before i go back home and settle down. But a lot of people doesn't agree with me, having love and work to choose, many would choose love. I don't know, as i've never been in the situation before, having to choose between love and work but one thing i can control now, is not having that love.

That friend of mine, is working as, not to say her dream work, but one of the work that she enjoys. the stress of working with people and getting things done, especially the challenges that she deals with everyday is different. Well, you know, human, behaviour changes everyday, hence given her different kind of challenges (read: trouble) almost everyday. And the sleepless nights that she couldn't even remember how long has she been staying awake, without sleeping and asked if she has been sleeping, she can't remember when did she sleep. But well, not talking about the pay, but she enjoyed her work very much. In work like this, of course you can foresee that either she doesn't have love life, or her boyfriend is very much, neglected.

I can see that I'm going into that direction, working and stress, very much an alcoholic. I just feel that I won't satisfied with what i have if i don't go out there and experience the big society before returning home. It will only take a few years, to be away from home and build my own career. But yet, i can't have the best of both world. Somehow, something needed to be sacrifice. Back to my friend, having to dump lots of time in work, she realised that, in the end of day, she doesn't have many friends around and the group of people that she used to hang out with, somehow, no longer have her in the circle. Feeling disconnected, she realised, she doesn't gain much end of the day. Well, that makes me think, is that the way i want to lead my life? But it's just for a couple of years.

Well, at least, for that friend, she still have me. You're just tired, i said. It just need someone, to say, you'll be alright, and you will have the courage and strength to walk a few more miles.

Although the road seems so long and you feel that you're alone,
keep walking and remember to look left and right,
for there's people, walking with you at the side of the track.
Just a lil bit more, and you'll reach your destination soon.

Stucked

Just another incident that i want to jot down, that after the end of the day, i still feel a lil bit disappointed.

Today, happily i went to attend classes. It feels like it's been a long time i didn't attend classes, morning class especially. So i entered, and morning class lecturer told me, she had a chat with my programme course leader and associate dean, that i need to pay fees for my family law class, which i just entered for the first time today. the reason being, there is another 8 classes with family law which they think it's appropriate for me to pay fees for it. But, as for jurisprudence class, they will close one eye and let me enter the class, since next week is the final week.

alright, i know it looked like my problem attending classes without paying, as if i went to college and steal chicken. Initially i wanted to take one subject only, so i asked if i can pay for one subject. The lecturer in charge says no, policy doesn't allow. I asked again, what about 2 subjects. Same reason given. Being frustrated, i asked, what about paying all four subjects, is it alright?. Excuses given, as it's near to end of semester and I wanted to attend one subject only, and the lecturer incharge said "i'll close one eye and let u in".

So, i entered jurisprudence class this afternoon. just one step into the class, the lecturer chased me away, forbid me from entereing. she was given instruction not to let me in, since i didn't pay my fees.

paiseh. i went to see lecturer in charge again.
"Oh, u need to pay for family law subject if you want to attend the classes, since there is another 8 classes of family law"
feeling disappointed, i told her i'm going back hometown next week.
"oh, if u don't pay fees, u cannot attend any of the classes".

feeling disappointed, i walked away. As a law student who knows the law, as the consumer-student, clearly knowing that there is no such policy that u can't take one subject or two. And after reading judicial review of administrative law and EU law, I was thinking, I can't even complain about the bias and ultra vires was of doing things. But what can you do about it.

Would you pay RM 1000 with a few ringgit balance for 30 hours classes? After i missed so many classes towards the end, now only i was asked to pay fees.

i don't even know why i bother to type all this out. clearly, i'm still feeling disappointed.

Doh-nut

I think this is the longest time that I've dumped my blog before. Not busy, just disappeared from the blogsphere for a moment, for no reason.

Okay, went a lot of places lately. One of the highlights... highly recommended dohnut. Know why? Cause for people that can't take so much of sweet stuff like me, this one doesn't make my throat ithcy after eating it. So, worth trying. Plus, look at the queue, i sat there for 10 minutes and i saw people keep coming in. So, enjoy... the photos. haha!!

Looks yummy. over 20 varieties i think.

fresh made. quality controlled.

Like this one particularly. Looks like spiky head. hehe.

look at the queue. more happening than restaurant around it.

Okay, more to come. Enjoy. Be blessed in the coming week!

25.10.07

Please say a lil prayer for me, exam next week. thanks people. God bless you.

Dear heavenly Father,
I thank you for all your blessings.
Right now, I pray for Cynthia,
May You take away all that is not from You in her mind,
and place it with thoughts from You.
Knowing that the devil meant for evil and You meant for good.
I also pray, that Your peace and strength be with her.
Thank you Lord,
In Jesus Christ Name,
Amen.

15.10.07

No more memories. time to wake up and continue walking. I woke up 2pm. Saw SY also wake up at the same time, but she's in UK (7am). I went to bed early, at 6am, but woke up at 8.30am as i couldn't sleep. Blame it on the coffee or the terbalik of time that my body sort of, cannot get it when am i suppose to sleep.

My revision for the resit is almost done. Last minute added one topic into the list, a topic which i never read before nor did any notes. Started from scratch, i read and do my notes. it just took me two nights and i'm almost done. Ty says I'm a clever pig. -_-

So, i almost want to go to college when i later on realised we're on Raya break now. Shall just stay at home and study. Mind you, i continue sleeping after i woke up at 2pm and it's almost 5pm now. hehe. *blush*

I shall continue studying. had my coffee next to me. not that i need it, but suddenly, i love coffee so much. just don't know why. oh, ikea changed their coffee maker as well as the coffee bean. black gold coffee. doesn't taste nice. is that the way to chase me customer away? so that they won't sit there for long? hmm... i miss my IKEA gang. but now i found a new nest, my home. haha

Before the week comes to the end, hope that everyone work hard and be productive, in studies and work sense. God bless you, have a great week ahead!

Us, in attempt to get dark. SY didn't get burnt.
I got some, places where i didn't apply sun block properly.
Oh i miss the beach........

oh, before i forgot. Happy Birthday SY!! No more teen ya. it's TWENTY-ONE.

note: pictures were taken during last holiday, in Pulau Manukan. Didn't see much this time of the trip, as SY can't really swim. and bro and gf went paktoh. So, just swim around nearby. Stepped on the coral and hurt my own feet. Played with sea cucumber, yea, from the same family of the sea cucumber that u eat.

okay... go back to study.

Memories II

It was a normal day, like any other day, of college life. I arrived at the main door of the college, looking at the familiar security guard busy guarding the safety traffic. the guards that bias with the type of car you drives were not there, the one that Yeng wanted to scold so much, the one that let the BMW waited there by the side, while me in Kembara was chased away. I wonder why. At least, I'm the one driving, and he's the one under the hot sun.

the red light went off, indicated that there's parking space available, and i drove in, to the carpark. The barrier went up after i scanned my ID card twice, as usual, and i drove in. The so-called VIP carpark was full. I used to park my car there, had the space booked for me as if. During the first semester in the college, we had classes as early as 8am and i usually arrived college at 7.15am. Had my usual shot of coffee with the free copy of The Sun, in the cafeteria of the college, which look more nicer today, after the renovation.

I glanced through the cars and plat number, while looking for empty space. Was looking for familiar car or plat numbers. Hey, that was where Sze and Chin always parked their car. But not today. And then, i drove in slowly, passed by the science lab where we had our land law class. Oh, i remembered we saw a couple standing outside, behind the class. The girl was, crying i think, and the guy was, comforting her and obviously, they were hugging. Mind my own business, i didn't look even further what they were doing there.

there i passed by the place where darren always park his car. he always get to park at the shaded place during the rainy days, and tracy would always smile happily, thinking how detailed is the boyfriend and trying to make us jealous as we have to run under the rain to our car. But, after successfully making us jealous, she would offer us umbrella, which the gangster me, usually don't want and ended up running under the rain, with my jacket of course. but today, no red car around...

I went in further, passed through the staff parking. tried to look for familiar car, yeng's car. there is empty space when i just entered the car park, but knowing that they're already in college, usually I'll go in straight, to find empty space nearer to yeng's car. i don't mind the walking, i went in before, to the furthest carpark, knowing that, there's someone walking with me. But today, only my car, only me, going to college.

After I parked my car. I walked into the college building. walked through the pavement where we always had small conversation, of where we are going later or where to eat, of what to do later or where to meet up tomorrow, of what tutorial to do or topic to study in preparation for next class, of which notes to be photocopied and which notes to bring the next day, and a lot of other things. But well, i'm walking alone today. In my own pace, in my own timing, i walked. I'm not in a hurry, I'm not meeting anyone, I'm not attending any class, and hence, resulting me trying to walk such that time past faster.

I walked up to the 1st Floor, heading to the School of Law. The smell of the stairs and corridor was very familiar, the smell of stink moulding made from dough into different kind of sculpture, a project did by the hospitality students. Some familiar faces were there in the office, the lecturers whom busy preparing lectures, notes and tutorials while administrator trying to keep the database of information up to date. Students where having meeting just outside the office along the corridor. No familiar faces, i suppose, they must be thinking I'm a new kid here. The ones that I was looking for, was not around.

I head to 2nd Floor, peeped through door and saw who was working at the front desk of computer lab. Saw a girl, busy reading her own book, and suddenly interrupted by a student. Oh, we used to hang out there, waiting for Addy to finish off her shift and go lunch together. Anson was there, all the time of her shift, after she complained about the supervisor of her. But today, it was other girl on shift. While reloading money into my student ID, i thought of the incident of me tripped by my own pants and fall at the stairs towards the computer lab. Luckily I didn't fall and roll down the stairs. But it was dramatic, with all my books flew all over the place and in this kind of situation, you hope that there's a big handsome guy there trying to hold you, but, there was a girl in front of me, helped me to gather my books and asked me whether i'm alright. it's good enough right, at least, someone helped me. Oh, i forgot about the other incident, tracy, slipped at the staircase as well. oh, please don't ask her about it. I remembered teasing her for the whole week about the incident. And there i went to the library, through the stairs, that tracy.... fall down before..

the library was cold, as usual. but it's more than that, it's cold outside and inside me, cold as well. i tried to scan for familiar faces, but non that i knew of. i went to the rack of law books, search through for books for the new subjects. Familiar books stood out among the rows of books, as if telling me, they miss me so much. those were the books that i used during the battle, my year 2 examinations. those were the days we went to the library just 30 minutes before it closes, to return, renew and borrow books. the tables that we usually sat, now, occupied by students from other programme. that was where, we had our revision together, discussion and arguments about some issues whether it's regarding law or some hot entertainment news, and where we always camwhore and over the other side of the library, in the discussion room, we had our photo session before, and the truth or dare games, where Addy took out some books full of dust for nothing and placed them back. those were the place that we had arguments, disagreement and misunderstanding but at last, we kiss and make up, together we continued on our journey, towards the goal that we're heading, LLB.

As i continue on, i know, there is no point looking back. I have memories of us, sadly, those memories i will not experience again, but rather, will accompany me, at least, until the time i graduate from this college, from LLB. The earth still spinning, and people keep on walking, and I know, i have to move on. whether i'm in the slower pace, or on the pace that i should to accommodate with pace around me, at least, I am still moving on. I dare not forget about the memories, but yet trying to control my thinking so that those memories will not overwhelm me. i told yeng, to create new memories while she's in UK and to tracy, don't be afraid to explore and see new things, but me, trying to create new memories, in the same place. I know, It will take some time, to overcome, it will take sometime to be back and get on with life. I know what i look like now, like what ms lecturer said to me today, "you look so dead, so so so so dead". I know, soaking myself in the past will not help me to be in future, and i'm trying, to get myself out of it. It's a phase that i'm going through, hopefully, i start running again soon.

To those out there, I really miss you.

Memories I

I've start picking myself up. Continue up journey. Although lately i've been picking up a lot of do you remember this and do you remember that, but that doesn't mean I'm still living in the past. They are great memories that i want to remember, to keep me going. A lot of people find me weird, a lot of people find that there's something abnormal about me. But, I can say, I treasure my friends a lot, more than just friendship, more than just hi and bye friend or people that have to common interest with me. it's life that I'm investing.

WE went to an adventure park in Sabah just the other day. The trip that i went back after the church camp, and had brother and girlfriend came back from Australia and had Yeng came over from KL. Hehe. We went almost all the famous seafood restaurant. Well, not that i'm rich, but, Sabah is well-known from its seafood. hihihi.

Okay.. the trip. Mom took photograph. With the new camera. Amazing... mom has the creative art talent in her blood. That's how my brother gets it. But now me. So, she claim as well, she's good in photographing. Well, couldn't agree more. I love the pictures.

3 red quad bikes for girls, one black for guys.
I was the only one looking at the camera, while the read excited.

We rode by the beach, it was so fun.
with the wind blow and the sound of the wave.

(a lot more picture to come. busy now. post them later.)

If Only

How many times as we look back, if only...

I live my life, without regrets. As much as i know, as much as i remember, i'm not regret with any incident in my life, be it good or bad.

But I have one now.

I didn't cry when i first got my result. I didn't get mad and start asking God, why is this happening to me. I continue to pray, in hoping that, there's a small door opening for me.

But now, it's all shut.

It was because of my silly mistake, that i didn't look at my timetable properly, hence landed me in where I am now. At least, blaming yourself because you're not good enough or clever enough is not as bad as blaming yourself for the careless mistake that you brought upon yourself.

After about 3 weeks, at last, i cried badly, asking for God's comfort. I felt so much alone, trying to look for a place of comfort, encouragement and love. I'm always strong and stand up high, but this time, i find no motivation for me to move on. The independent me, finally crushed down and having pieces of me all over the places.

I dare not tell my parents about it. at the age of 25, such mistake is not permitted. what more making it. I know, I'm in a position better than lots of people, but, i'm just not satisfied. And worst still, blaming myself.

Lesson to learn, please check your exam timetable.

New Chapter

Finally, I'm settled down and ready to face the new season again. Year 3 and also the final year of my degree. It has been 3 weeks since the last time I blogged. Lots of things happened, ups and downs, but Praise God, I'm here now.

It turned out to be alright, after i decided to stay in KL for year 3, after the appeals to several uni regarding my application to transfer was turned down. Not so sad about my result, what's sad is not being staying the same place as my fella gang, whom now already in UK. My results, including the one that i need to resit, my average is 55%. But since it's a burden to carry on one subject to final year, according to fella counsellors And since my result now in 2:2 on the way to 2:1, i decided to stay.

So, wish me luck with my final year! I know, God place me here with a greater purpose!

Untitled XVII

A friend asked me before, in between a picture of a sun rise and i picture of a sun set, which one would i choose.

I chose sun set. According to her, sun set means, the person is pessimistic. Whereas a person has a optimistic thinking if he/she chose the picture of sun rise.

For me, sun set can be a hope for a new tomorrrow, hoping for the sun rise to come again.

***

Still in the try-not-to-be-worried mode for my result would be announced tomorrow. Hope that someone can hit me till i faint and wake up only when i can hear my own result. There is a lot of what if and I can only pray, that i learn to place everything on God's hand, for He holds tomorrow.

All the best for those that confirm going to UK and for people like me, who is still waiting, God Bless you... and Me!

Undescribeable

It's back again, after for so long.

Thou it's not the first time, I've yet to learn to face it.

Not knowing how to deal with it, Can only wait for it.

It's nearer and nearer..... my exam result.

O_o

Pray that I pass with 55%. Not that i'm confident in myself, but rather place everything on the Higher Place. Too confident in my IELTS test and yet, just got a pass. *hmmpf*

Lord, I pray, let my desire be Your will. AMeN!

Orkid lah

There was an advertisement on kids milk powder, where the father tried to teach the son to pronounce "flower" while pointing at the Orkid. The son looked so blur, and at last blurted out "Orkid lah" to the father. Left the father in stunt.

And me, went to the Orkid Carnival held in town just yesterday.

It was held at the famous beach in KK, Tg Aru.

I like most, pure white without flaws. Too perfect.


Lovely.

This, look like a sandal.
The chinese name of this flower is something gotta do with shoe

Same for this.

Took about 35 pictures just with my phone camera. Love it. Save the pictures for post in future. Till then, have a good weekend. God Bless!

Last Day

Today, officially was my last day in work. After 6 weeks of training in the law firm, i finally had another working experience added in my resume. There's nothing much that i've learnt. Everything looks odd and normal to me. Going to court, meeting up lawyers, talk to the boss, preparing documents, nothing special about it. Except for once, that I met clients and in the process of getting him to sign the affidavit of service, I had a great (read:trouble) in explaining what is the documents and the progress of his case.



After 6 weeks, I gathered my stationaries and returned it back to the administrator of the office. I went into the office after lunch today and found out that I was robbed. haha. My calculator, ink pad and eraser was taken by a colleague. bleh. she smiled sheepishly at me.

I clean up my desk, check all the drawers and delete everything that i've saved and installed inside the computer, including the history of websites that i visited (yea.. i don want ppl to know that i visited the yellow page :p), the documents that i opened and the songs that i listened to. Not a trace in the computer, before i shut down the computer, i deleted my MSN account.

Having to finish my training period in the firm means that my result is coming very near to me. Am worried at the same time excited. Thou result is mine and mine alone, but it seems like there is a lot of other people's name on top of the result slip. Yes, I am not quite alone in person, but lotsa people connected to me. I received a parcel from Cardiff University today, and was excited with stuff that is inside. Mom heard me and say "don't get too excited. You will never know whether you're confirm going or not".

yesterday, i discussed about the air ticket with an Aunt in church, and she asked "Why? You don't have confident in yourself?". Once again, it reminds me whether I am dreaming and reaching for the impossible or have i tried my best to make things possible to me. People don't seems to understand. They don't understand how did I go through my exam. How did i handle my stress, and cope with it. They don't understand, why did i cry in stress and how did i brave through it. They don't understand how tough is it to even make it happen, but we've already tried. I've already tried my best. But trying is not enough. People wants to see the result.

I'll just surrender all to God, for i know, He holds tomorrow.

Decision II

Just within 24 hours, my younger brother was asked to pack and leave home to University and attend classes for the new course immediately. As it was my brother's out of home for the first time, I helped him to buy stuff and pack whatever he needs and even wrote a list of what he should buy when he arrives the new place. Since dad is accompanying him to go over, guys are just not as detailed as women in thinking of things that he needs to settle down. Well, although i've been coming back and out of home several times, I'm still not good in packing and bringing things that is necessary. the first thing that comes to mind is his gadgets. Cloth comes later....

the sun rise this morning..

I first came out of home 7 years ago, when i was only 17 plus. I came from a strict and conventional family, with my parents, as described as my younger brother, are antiques. Particularly strict on me, i used to think that they are just unfair to me. Before coming out of home and stand on my own feet, I've been to the cinema once only, I've never hang out with friends before, be it at the coffee shop or shopping mall, I've never been shopping with friends, and that was how my life is. And when I arrived the hostel on the first night out of home, i chased my mom away, told her not worry. I'm not excited about me having wings, but, look forward to life in college.

"Either you fall or you grow stronger"

My first semester was a disaster. As everything is new to me, even just hanging out with friends at the mamak also i will go along. For almost every night, i won't start doing my work before 11pm and I'm always sleepy in class. Even a lecturer asked whether i go clubbing every night. (&*^%# lecturer, can ask this kind of question. Who go clubbing every night??!!!) And my result, just enough to pass, without credit. It was terrible. It was as if, you're floating at the sea and the level of the water reach your nose that you hardly can breath. Parents was worried, dad called almost everyday during the following semester. And each call either end up with argument or I cried. Thank God, I graduated.

After looking at how restless, worried, troubled are my parents dealing with lil brother's matter, i finally realised how much important our decisions in life can relate so much with other people. the fact that we live in a community, the fact that we have family, means that we cannot make decision based on our own will and way, but making decisions from all angle and view, accepting different opinions and suggestions. When we were young, we look up so much for freedom, freedom to do anything that we want and not wanting parents to interfere. Whether it's about the course that we want to take, the so called love relationship that we want to build, the friends that we want to hang out with, and the way we want to live our life. But the truth is, whatever we do, if we fail, our parents have to clean the shit for us, and we still claim, that we are old enough to take care of ourselves.

can u see the image of the cloud that looks like a Mickey Mouse?

that tired face of parents having sleepless nights, the nagging and lecture of mom continued for few days as though a radio is opened 24 hours non-stop, let me see how much they love us, how much they care for us. And the once rebellious of me, fall and stand stronger, and they are still there for me, never give up, never leave me alone and continue to believe that, I will be successful one day. And i finally understand, either i fall, or i stand stronger.

caught the sight of rainbow....

In life, there is no right or wrong choice. there is only, what is the best to us, out of all the good decisions available for us. There is always a U-turn towards the end of the road, and there is always a second chance in life, but, whether does it worth it to take a risk in making decisions while thinking there is always a second chance.

Strike the best or a U-turn?

to be continued...

Decision I

Some weeks ago, a pastor speak of a message, and she began with a story.....

3 person of different citizenship were put into a jail for 3 years. 3 of them were given a wish, whatever that they wish for, just one, will be granted.

Man #1, "since my country is famous for its cigar, give me boxes of cigar". So as he wished.
Man #2, "I miss the women in my country, give me a gorgeous lady to accompany me throughout the term of imprisonment". And his wish, was granted.
Man #3, "Can i have a phone?". Of course, this was granted as well.

3 Years later, 3 of them were released.
Man #1 ran out of the main gate of the prison and shouted "give me fire, give me fire" with the cigar hanging at his lips.
Man #2, came out with the gorgeous lady, with 2 babies in their arm and one coming soon.
Man #3, had Mercedes and his men waiting outside the big gate. "I've made a lot of business throughout my term in the prison, thanks to the phone that was given."

Of course, you think the story was exaggerating. But that's not the main point. What the pastor trying to say is, "do you think what you do today, affects who you are, tomorrow?"

Life is full of choices, and everyday we have to make one. Whether it's about where we should have our meals or which college should we choose, does affect us, directly or indirectly. While one choice of life lead to a wider and good choices, one bad choice does make a big turn in our life. While people say, we started of with a white piece of paper and our parents shapes and colour the paper, in some point of our life, we, are the author of our own paper. As children grew older, we hold our future, we choose our path and we make our own decision.

A lot of people set an aim in life, or goals to achieve in certain age of life. First million in my account by age of 30 or a Ferrarri of mine parked in my house garage before the age of 40. While more down to earth people aim at more realistic goals, but no matter how realistic is the goal such as earning big bucks, owning a big company and a big house, these goals are still considered something that u think of when u day dream, if you don't work towards it. But certainly, the biggest achievement in life is not about the amount of money you earn or how much property you have, not about the amount of branded cars do you have or the public recognition that you get. While all these are so fragile, that today you have these, what if tomorrow it's all gone. Do you still considered yourself, successful in life?

While history tell us the steps and mistake that our ancestor made, it also teaches us not to repeat the same mistake and to be a better person. Country develops through the it's own history and the history of other country, but we, grow and learn from our own mistake and others. While the coward me don't dare to take steps out of extraordinary, often I'm cautious with my own steps, for i know, I don't afford to lose it. One Life, we all, have only one life.

One Life, what are you going to do with it?

A lot of people say, do whatever you want when you're young in age, when you're so naive and innocent. Whatever that can be, ranging from having puppy love relationship, to clubbing in clubs and disco, to climb the highest mountain or to conquer the world (the world or that little world revolve around you). That is when you find pleasure and fun that you will not get when you enter into adulthood. but to have such enjoyment, also need to see whether you have such capability. While a lot other people take things seriously with their life, some are not, or rather, some seek more of enjoyment in life than seeking things that is important in life, self equip.

self satisfaction or self-equip?

to be continued...

Unreasonable

I had been really restless since back home. Yeah, posts that i've made since back says it all. As i'm beginning to learn about adulthood and realise about what I am going to be one day, I'm more and more to fear of becoming a grown up. Although I'm soon becoming quarter century age, but because of the position where I'm in, i still consider myself still 'small', under the covering of parents and living under the roof of my parents and fully financed by them, while lots of my peers, already climbing the corporate ladder and earn their own money.

But it's not about fear of being a grown up, earning own living and having a family. What I'm fear most, is being a grown up lady/woman.

But still I am a girl. Yes, though I don't like what us girls always do, I still can't deny that I owned the so called gen of all the girls has.

The most general attitude that we have is we always say that we don't want but we actually meant we want. Dumb huh. How much we contradict what our heart wants with what the brain says. And a lot of times, i felt so stupid after saying what i meant the other way round but afterall, I still do it.

And the thing about woman is, they are famous with being unreasonable. How many times you explain that you are referring to the matter and not her, she still think that you are condemning her. Not a perception, but it's just woman.

How many times i've encountered this....

I'm at the main road driving and there was a woman waiting at the junction coming to the main road. How many times i encountered this. I stopped and let the lady, this woman just turned in without acknowledge me. I'm not asking her to thank me, but she gave me the feelings as if i have to let her, that i owe her this duty.

Or how many times when i don't hold the lift for people, if it's a lady, I'll sure get a stare from her. Well, guys will just hold the lift door. Well, isn't it a courtesy, or a manner to say thank you. or at least, don't give people that "you should hold the door of the lift" stare. But too bad, we don't have the culture here. (Maybe for them, they want the young one to respect them and insist that it's sort of, our duty. bleh!!!)

Worst thing is, if your girlfriend/wife ask you the most popular question, "am i phat??". If you say yes honestly, there she goes, "you don't love me anymore, that you think that i'm not pretty and slim like i used too....". -__-'''

getting on my nerve, though i'm a girl, i try hard not to behave like that, cause I can't even stand myself.

When there is love, there is a balance to strike. Thou love is the biggest of all, love doesn't give u the reason for being unreasonable.

She, "Why can't you just accept me as who i am, even when i talk ridiculously or when the things that i say hurts you?".
You, "that's different. what you've just said really hurts".
And the unreasonable one "why there is no more love around, to even forgive the ridiculous and hurtful comment of mine".
-__-'''

they are just being unreasonable, or in canton "da wang lei gong".

I just have to learn, to say what i want and not the other way round.
A Yes when I meant Yes and No when i meant no.

Waiting

It's raining again and I'm sitting comfortably in the office. yes, it's a good weather to take a nap, and hence makes me sleepy right now and had pushed aside my work and start surfing the net.

was still thinking about the question that the client asked me the other day, "are you married". No i replied. Oh, single and available. Well, it's single but not really available. The client am, i was told, still single. I'm not going to say the client is desperate but somehow the way she talked to guys doesn't represent her age and the attitude that she ought to have. Maybe she is being friendly, but only to guys. You will say that I have that kind of perception towards women in that category but, not, I'm not assuming an attitude towards people in that category. there is no wrong in being single, being married is not really compulsory in life, but study showed that married people tends to live longer that those whom are singles for life. No, i am not bias or having wrong perception, but i thought, being single can be happy as well. But it's just that i never seen a woman whom are single, successful in career and happy. And i'm not desperate, although a lot of people were saying that i should start looking for my other half but, I just don't want to be like those women. Be it that i'm single, I don't want to be stamp on my forehead as being desperate with sad life. So girls out there who are still single, are you scared?? haha. *smile* i'm still enjoying...

I read randomly on someone's blog, whom just left for further studies in overseas. read through her preparation before leaving just made me thinking again. My result is not out yet and everything seems so hanging where i cannot do anything at all. Dad has been reminded me several times to bring the winter coat to dry wash, but i never did. Still not too sure about the future, everything seems so stuck and all i can do is just wait. Future seems so blur but i know who holds tomorrow. When God open one door, He will open it all the way, kept repeating in myself, to have faith on the higher ground. I just want to shout out loud, that i'm leaving. An opportunity that i've waited for years. *cross finger*

So, exactly 7 years ago, I came out of home to further studies. Dad says, that makes me a half KL-ian. Hmm.. i'm not being doublestandard boasting or whatever u call that, but i really forgot some of the road in KK. Dad got annoyed by me kept asking which way to go last weekend when they insisted that i drive. Sigh, i really forgot. I can't think/plan the route virtually in my head. I really had forgot. Dad ,'you look like you're visitor in Sabah from KL'. O_o Shall let them drive next time. *hmmpf*

Now, while working, while waiting for result, I'm sitting for IELTS in coming 2 weeks and I'm planning where to go for holidays during the last 2 weeks of August. Still.. in planning.

for now,
God Bless you!

Untitled XVI

I was about to write about the incident that i saw yesterday while yum-cha-ing (afternoon tea) at the nearby yum cha place. But, fear came in. does FOE exist? does HR protects us? Now.. not so serious lah....

3 ppl came, supposedly to check whether the shop is clean or not, but just came a while. they, left with an extra envelope. Well, u know i know lah. i Fear my human rights not protected, i shall just tell the story as vague as i can lah. While there is no such provision exist, sometimes, it will exist just because of you. but that 3 ppl, I gave a nice shot with my eyes. One glance, all eyes meet... M16 shot. another glance... i read their names.

there was once....Saw the ppl patrol the pasar malam. the ppl wanted to buy a sunglasses and offered to pay. The stall owner gave as a gift. so good. should change field, so next time i can bring whole family go shopping free at pasar malam.

***

I had lunch with colleagues together with the representatives of firm's big client. Not too bad as I went with cousins. Lunch was okay, but was thinking whether we have to do this from time to time, to get connected, expand the network, so that the firm business keep running. Not talking about earning more profit, but just the necessary ones to run the firm. Yeah. Whether it's litigation or conveyancing field of law, we still need network of people as they have the possibility of becoming your client. So, it's alright that we all go to happy hour once in a while in the pub, as it's a training ground, to practise our ability in drinking, especially girls, that we need to learn so that we can protect ourself. Hehe.. just excuse lah right.. but it's true actually.

Overall, it was good. We had buffet, therefore, most of the topic of conversation was on food, which one is delicious and where can they get it. Other than that, the highlight was, the questions that they asked me, including....

"are you married? ". -_-"' No...
"are you from local?" -_-''' Yes...
"oh.. you're a chinese..." Yea... O_o

Bought a new chic-lit. hehe. "anybody out there". Had finished 2 books this holiday. So, while waiting for my downloads, i can fill the time reading the book.

enough of my ramblings.

Have a great Sunday tomorrow!

Childhood

It's time to update the blog again. bleh.

Am in the office doing nothing since morning, just waiting for my boss to sign the documents that i've prepared. In the mean time, i surf net, and reading whatever i can read (except for the XXX websites) and downloading all the videos that i want. *whisper* shhh, don't tell my boss. He will figure it out one day when he receives the bill with the amount of bytes downloaded from the Internet. But well, it's streamyx line that the firm has to pay every month, why not use it to the max??! haha.

So, for the last few days, I've been digging into friend's friend's blog, or friendster. Found out some really old friends or rather people that i've met before, including in tuition classes, primary school and secondary school. Some even got married also. But, the me still trying to hunt down people that bully me before. yes, I was bullied when i was really small.

Being short and tiny me, I wasn't the favourite people among my classmates in the class. Although some of the teachers like me, i think it's because i'm practically look like an angmoh lang or mixed blood/race kid and I was heavily active in co-cum but certainly dislike by fella classmates especially those who were of same race as me. Befriend with the minorities and the ones that are labelled as weirdo, I still have a friend whom still keep in touch till now. Just one.

I still remember, how i was bullied. Particularly one rich kid that likes to treat fella classmates and always, while distributing money, she would say "to you all, except for her", while pointing at me. Well, with the 20 cents or sometimes 40cents that was given by parents, I still survive through. But yeah, thank God, i still have a pleasant childhood and that didn't give a bad memories to me. i'm just eager to know, what happen to them today. they definitely will be surprise, the one that they bullied once, is doing well today.

Well, I thank God so much, that in between the one that being bullied and the one that bullies, I was the innocent one that always been bullied. I remembered well, there was a girl in secondary school, stick a long celotape on my hair and messed it up. While me trying to pull it out myself, the other 7 girls of her gang helped me to pull it out. Well, in the end, they just have to cut my hair, cause it was really really bad. Haha. years after we graduated, this friend found me through friendster and sent a message, said sorry for all the bad memories that she has given to me. Haha. being bullied actually, not as bad as being a bully.

Well, after 13 years. I kinda forgot how my fella primary school classmates look like. Apart from all the bully incident, I had great time, being representative in inter-class, inter-school and inter-state competitions. Well, I'm not a straight-A stud, but more of a balance in between co-cum and studies. I'm just blessed.

***

Recently I read about the 17 yrs old kid whom killed the tuition teacher's 11yrs old kid 5 years ago. Not sure what's in the mind of 12 years old but judging from the amount of stabs on the innocent 11 years old kid, 20 stabs.. it seems so .... can't find a word to explain. When there is not provision on mandatory death on teenager for murder, pardon upon King's pleasure was ruled to be not constitutional. What does a kid at the age of 12 know? Whose fault it that? Parents, the tv or peers influence? It's really scary to raise a kid today.

***

Just realised that the post is kinda long. Ty would say 'ya write essay ah??'. Well, maybe i'm in the preparation for IELTS test. Aiming 7.5 and above, at least. Bro got 8.0 band and the girlfriend's 8.5 band. Impressive huh. It's actually not that hard right? hehe.....

Alright... got to stop. It's 12 pm soon. Haha.

Untitled XV

It's has been 3 weeks since I came back to hometown. Nothing much has changed here and slowly getting used to the life here. Although i still don't like the traffic here, the slower pace even in the fast lane is quite irritating actually and some people can driver REALLY slow and some can be REALLY crazy. Apart from forgotten where is where and how to get to where, I'm all good, settle in for 2 months before flying out again, *hold my hand, say a lil prayer*, hopefully to UK in september.

the decision is not official yet, waiting for my result now, hopefully all pass with 55% and above. So, i didn't spill the beans myself but parents went around telling people unintentionally, that I'm flying off this september. Air tickets were booked, passport were checked and winter coats were asked to prepared by parents as well as sterling pounds were changed as preparation for me to leave to UK. scary isn't it. of course, there are negatives thoughts inside but i push it all, and have a little bit more faith day by day in God. He certainly have great plan instore for me.

At the mean time, I'm working in the same firm. Sometimes i'm really busy with paper work, sometimes i'm busy surfing net and downloading (while there's no work for me). Went back to mom's hometown last weekend and it was a good rest back there. Now, in planning whether to go HK or not, for shopping as i need winter clothes, and i didn't have enough of shopping the last time i went. Not going to disney land, definitely not, if i'm going alone. hehe.

So... i've finished Ps, i love you and My best friend's Daughter. Currently, hunting for new chic-lit, which i didn't have the chance to go bookstore. Just lazy.

Got to stop to continue work.

God bless, have a great week ahead!

Heya

On Valentine's Day during Land Law class.
Not that the class was bored,
just that the bear is so cute and,
it wants to learn land law as well.

The best time of the academic year, other that the first week after our semester break ends where everyone met each other and lots of catch up to do and hanging out together, another time of the year that i enjoyed most is the exam period, the final 2 months before exam. You must be thinking how crazy I am, not wanting to enjoy life and spend time by wasting it, every minute and every hour of the 2 months is precious, and it makes everything looks more precious. There was so much to read, so much to read again and so muuuuch to read and little time for friends and family, and that's when we appreciate each other the most.

People say we save up a lot during exam period
cause we just stay at home and 'eat books'.
Well, a lot of money spent on keeping me awake,
keeping me awake and keeping me awake.
Thanks to Brands, M&Ms, Nescafe....

I remember during the preparation for Year 1 exam, every night, almost every night, me and Ty put on the webcam together and study. It didn't feel so much as if you're alone. The whole night, the webcam is on, and, we had discussion instantly. And this is the month where my phone bill raised drastically, consequence from calling and sms-ing friends about revisions and questions.

One of the study time together at my place, which at last all ended up lying on the floor together and start chatting. Well, it's Ty who started it first, didn't study much and took nap. I can't help it but to disturb her, which later yeng joined us and 3 of us.. chat together and not studying.

In the final two months of Year 2, the same gang of us, still, studied together, had group discussion and long calls to discuss and explain. While every minute counts, the time over the phone asking how are you doing became so much appreciated, as you know, friends really cared. Not many people know the struggles and the challenges that we faces as much as those that involves in it, and we, while trying to stand still, also try to help others not to fall but continue to lift others up and continue walking.

One of the way to memorise notes is to keep writing
the same thing again and again,
and writing on paper with pen is a tiring job and waste paper.
So, Sy and I had the white board to write on
and placed the pig in front, as student.
As we are too busy studying, we didn't bother picking it up
from the floor and, it read trespass for 3 days and 3 nights. Haha.

Many times i wanted to break down and cry over it, many times i felt as though it's so hard to carry on, many times I felt so much alone that my legs are so heavy that i could not carry on, many times i felt so restless and so tiny as compare to others. As much as many times, i tried to memorise the same thing again and again, as i thought i didn't memorise the notes well and many times, I thought that i'm not good enough, that i'm not going to make it, as good as i thought.

Steamboat after the internal programme exam ended
and at the same time was the first day of my paper.
Still have time, for steamboat and hangout. Love it.

But, friends were always there to encourage. Some offered encouragement by texting petrol or oil, so that i will carry on. Some, encouraged by texting words of encouragement, that somehow lifted up my spirit. "You know it one you know, you don't have to remember words by words", "delivery petrol to you, jia you", "don't worry, you are not alone". Those words kept running in my head, reminding myself not to give up but to strike the best. And most importantly, the 10 fingers prayer, I can do things thru Christ who strenghthen me.

this is not by a lil kid, but Sy. She's just trying to draw a fish,
which she's still learning it. haha.

Now, while waiting for result and some of my friends will resit some of the papers, those spirit and strength that we had once, i hope will continue to lift them up, brighten them to continue to strike their best. Not that they are not good enough, it's just that they are almost there. Like what i've told Sy, you almost cross over to next door. It's just another step to go. So guys, all the best and strike the best you can!

Wrote this to myself, as to encourage myself.
It's still depends on you, to have the confident in yourself.
No matter how, we still need to pick ourselves up and continue walking.
I myself cried before during the exam period,
but, I still carry on, we all did, as we have each other.
So people, don't stop, never give up!

Just-some-girl

It's been a week since i came home. Still can't get used to the life there especially adapting to the slower pace of life here and with parents around. Luckily, working in the firm can kill the time, plus earning some pocket money.

Other than the difference in the time of sunrise and sunset, the biggest difference of all, is being to live with family again. I've been staying out of home since 7 years ago, most of the time i'm out there. Can't deny, I like the life of being out there, coming back home meaning my shoulder is heavier and more responsibility, which sometimes, i can't even cope. Sometimes i really wish that i'm a superwoman, but the truth is i am not. To lots of people, i'm strong and independent, to people, i'm carefree and happy-go-lucky, but yeah, that's only when some of the time. I remember i cried a lot the first week i came back during last holiday. Much issues not solved and till now, is still not solved. Growingly tired, how i wish i can run away. i can't just close my eyes and pretend that nothing has happened.

No, it didn't teach me to be stronger nor it did grow me into maturity. It makes me realise how actually i am not that capable in the eyes of people and my credibility is actually, lower than what i thought i was. And with the burden that is placed on my shoulder without expecting me to solve it, i more and more wished that I've never grown up, I've never known so much, and I've never be the person who I am now.

People expect me to be understanding, to take it maturely and to be considerate. it is as if i'm standing in the middle of a crossroad, where people from all direction throwing burden on me and trying to drag me towards their direction, which i try to stand still not wanting to move but instead they rip me off hurting me physically. Why is it so? People just don't realise it, that they are hurting the people around them.

Can i be irresponsible? Can i just fly out high and pretend that i don't know? Can i act immaturely and run away?

I'm not typing this to seek attention. Nor asking for comfort or sympathy. My words uttered from my mouth is unreachable. i can only type it out. what it takes so that people will listen to me? is it measured by the wealth that i have or my status in the society or the amount of recognition that i get or the good deed that i've contribute towards the society. is it just because i'm some girl. Just-some-girl pleads and begs so that she can stand out and voice her opinion and view, which is stupid and unreasonable in the eyes of the people.

But people has forgotten, that they were once... 25 years old. or either way, they were whom they are now when they popped out of their mothers' womb.

The Night

For those who missed the night, this is for you.

The night started at 6.30 pm with the arrival of guests. Because of traffic jam, i was on the road for an hour plus picking up fella friends while tracy, waited at the ballroom for an hour plus. It started 8.15pm, started with performance of dance. Later, Sum performed by singing "You Raised me Up".

Group photo, before we finish up the food.

Does this look like a normal 10 course dinner to you? Nope actually. It's buffet. We made the guys to take food for us, plates of dishes and after getting all the food, we gathered and have dinner together. People were amazed by our cooperation. hehehe.

The main performance of the night, by paper doll. The guys in our table, all were molested by them except for darren.

The man, was dragged up to the stage to dance together...
but more like, being taken advantage...

the host, Mr Lecturer

Sam, Eric and Me...

Chun Chiqs... all single but some are not available...

From our class, Year 2 of LLB

Hope you enjoy. For those who did not attend, we miss you guys so much.

Now and then

Exam's finally over and suddenly, you don' t know what to do the moment you wake up. For the past 2 months, the moment I woke up, I hurriedly had my breakfast and bury myself with books, notes and papers. And now, the moment i wake up, it make me think a while, what day is it today, and what plan do i have today.

During the revision period, it seemed like there are lots of new movie showing in the cinema that I've missed out, the shopping and as well as the normal stuff that i usually do, hang out, window shopping, visit the night market and so on. And there's blog to read, and stuff to update in my blog. well, after exam, quite a few of these I've accomplished. it's like changed of lifestyle radically. Sze said, the day after exam, she wants to sleep for 2 days. And me, went out for lunch and movie right after the exam, and reached home only 10pm. crazy but it's holiday.

So, after exam....

We had bahkuteh...

We went for movies, Pirate of the Caribbean 3, Shrek 3, Fantastic 4 and the lousy Man in White. No offence, but really, please don't watch Man in White.

Other than bahkuteh, in a week time, I had meals in Chilli's, Manhattan Fish Market, Genki Sushi, Sushi King and until, i've got indigestion problem that today, I didn't eat anything but only the glutinous rice this morning and some coke and sour plum in movie this afternoon. And, i'm still not hungry....

Oh, started to read "Ps, I love you" from beginning, as I've forgotten what the story was about if i were to continue from where i left it. Yea, I started reading this book a year ago and i still haven't finish it and yet, i bought another chic lit 2 days ago, hihihihi, "my best friend's daughter". Was advised to read books of Jeffrey Archer, but.... just not my type.

I'm planning to go back to hometown next week, after the party of the year this Friday. Not sure what plan do i have back at home, but definitely going back to work, to pass the time and earn some pocket money as well as experiences. thinking of going back home.... sigh.... will have a boring life. After 7 years here in KL, have my network of friend and the life that i enjoy here. So, for the 2 months at home, i shall be a good girl at home.

Alright, got to stop now. Time for C&C 3 a while before going to bed.

take care, God Bless!

(photos will come later... took quite a lot, especially during the past one week after exam)