Drawing Class

It didn't start out well. Before we experience it ourselves, we were given bad impression about it. Not sure if it's the bad perception that I had, or it's really the truth, but I know, it's not gonna be an easy way.

On our very first class, the lecturer welcomed us "Welcome to hell!!". -__-

Sometimes when I'm bored in class, I'll make some sketches on the notes or book, but never get to draw so much, as much as much as now.

After 6 weeks, one subject finished its syllabus and another 2 half way done. And I, only finish reading half of the syllabus of the first subject.

Sad. while struggling with this, I'm still thinking whether this is the way that it should be. I've missed the train 3 times, and I start to think, I am really a failure in planning for myself. or should i say, i don't even know how to plan for myself. I remember uncle N said, do and decide things based on your own conviction, not others opinion/suggestion/whatsoever. But, whatever plan that i have, it will be crush down. It make me start to think that, I'm no good in this, can't even decide for myself. All I can do, which I'm good in it, is sit down and cry, later pick myself up and continue on walking the way I should be.

Is CLP the only option? While it is the perception that girls should get married when they're in the age of 28 and everyone will start panicking if girls still not married at the age of 30, While it is the perception that we should start earning money at my age and not still depending and relying on parents for money, it sank into me that if i take a gap year, i would graduate as a lawyer at the age of 30.

Now, i dare not dream, dare not think. I can only think, of what I should do now. I'm not brave enough to crush the wall, not strong enough to prove the world that what I've decided is the best way. I dare not look far and plan, for so many things just pull me down and prevent me to fly higher. I always want to be outstanding, for i think life is not just about going along the flow, graduate, work, get married and have kids. But now I start to think, my dream, is far from reality. Not in terms that I cannot achieve it, but it seems unreachable.

I don't want to be anything other than me.

01.10.08

It's been a while since the last time I update my blog. Not that I'm terribly busy, not that I've nothing to talk about.

It's been 3 weeks since CLP classes started, and it wasn't a good month. I felt i had been roller coaster of emotion since the beginning of the year. The 360 degree was during the month of May and June, and the up and down during month of July and August, calm and steady end of August and up and down again in September. Well, I'm quite burnt out actually. While probably it doesn't appear on my face, we still need to look forward and keep walking right?

I was looking through the settings of the blogspot.com, trying to figure out how to shut down my blog, since, I don't really blog, why should i keep it. Freedom of speech and expression doesn't really exist, while laws can't protect us, social pressure also became of the the "laws". The line between law and morality is still very blur, hence, I can't really talk much, but to reserve my posts to draft.

I'm slowly loosing a lot of parts of me, into becoming someone that i barely recognise. not to exagerate but, being cautious about my action/words just because some people doesn't like it instead of trying to be a better person is really tiring. Instead of being confident with myself, I'm slowly think very low of me. I really miss, being me.

So, what's with closing the blog, i thought, what the heck. Just because someone might interpret my writing wrongly doesn't mean i should stop writing. I almost forgot why i start up the blog in the first place. I just hope that through my experience, some people can pick up a 10 cent, or 20 cents or 50 cents. And it's through writing, I know more about myself. I really miss, the bold and courageous me.

While transferring the posts out of this blog, from the very 1st post, i read the comment by Ty, which stopped me from doing what i was doing. It somehow lifted me up, and encouraged me again. Looking at the comments in all the posts, really, not every one of it are good ones. While we expect to get the good comments, bad comments come too. But, constructive criticism especially from people that cares, are really more than just 50 cents. Cause they care, to tell you and they care, for the friendship. I really miss, having my mentors to be my side and keep poking me.

(dad accidentally read my post while blogging and pointed out a typo error :p)

Oh well... just a piece of me.