Learning to stand up and walk again…

When I first attended the new course last year, seriously I thought, this college is nothing going to be harder than I can imagine as this is the 2nd time I will go through college life. But…..

July 2000, I left everything I’ve already had in hometown and came to the big city when I’m not even 18 yet. A network of friends, church, school (was attending A-levels that time) and close friends which been with me for my whole life. Packed my stuff in less than a week, and I came over. At first, I thought, KL city, beautiful at night with all the lights, and it’s still does, beautiful in my heart. Started from scratch, I learnt to make friends, to give and take, to pick up myself when I fall, to run the race, not to become a loser but one of the winners. When I first came here, my brother told me, either I stand stronger or I fall. I chose not to fall, so, I learn to stand stronger. I’ve learnt about people, not been into working environment before, but, saw different kind of people in college, from people who appreciates you to people who uses you. I’ve learnt too that there’s no one will cheer you up except you yourself, to see the brighter side of the matter rather than frowning and ponder upon it and waste the time. I’ve learnt to that friends are important, to be the pillar in time when u want to fall, to be the big listening ear when u need to pour out all your nonsense inside you, and most importantly, believing in u when there’s no one supports u. I’ve been through days of sleepless night, 36 hours continuously non-stop to rush assignment, running up and down to friend’s dorm in the middle of night to do assignment, been for supper at any hour of the night or early morning and did a group work on my own and wrote down my partner’s name as well when I handed it in (need a big courage, as quite unfair sometimes to me…). I’ve been through rejection of project and assignment proposals several time with the lecturer threw the proposal at me and gave me that do-it-again look, and countless presentation which at last I just crapped without preparation and lecturer is satisfied with it. Many more and all this, I started from scratch. After 4 years… I graduated.

March 2005, I started a new course. I thought it’s going to be fun and stressful as well. Not knowing what will happen, not knowing how it is going to be spending time with peers that are younger than me, not knowing how the course going to be, but definitely at peace knowing that I’ve been through college life and i thought... this one not going to break me down easily. With high expectation, I started a new chapter here in new college. March Intake was good, slow and steady, every day was honeymoon. But well, other than the happy ones, there is still the raining day. We had mooting, as part of the course activity. After the preparation day and night (really day and night.. no joke…), on the mooting day, we all kena shoot. Some was asked to sit down and shut up, one was given comment that he* insulted the court, and a lot was shoot like nobody’s business. Our result didn’t turn out well, and lecturer and fellow seniors and juniors commented that we’re just playing around and wasn’t serious about what we did. Well, whose fault is that? Ours? Not that I’m pissed off, but I’m seriously disappointed at myself as well. Our effort I’ll rate 9 out of 10. but I know, our mistake was we put effort in the wrong place. Instead of looking into how we moot in the court, we cracked our brain to get stronger arguments. Well.. it’s over now. For you March Intake, not that I didn’t let go and still hold on to this incident, I’m just highlighting the incident of the semester. Quite a few people approached me, telling me their disappointments as well, some were totally crushed by the ‘judge’ in the mooting and was feeling down for few days. I’m disappointed, as I know, I can do better. i cried at some corner at the college where no one's around, and i stand up again.

September 2005, new bunch of people came in and study together with us. Didn’t quite no their name, didn’t quite remember their faces too, and don’t know how did it happen, I was elected as the assistant class rep. so far so good, until recently, we were commented or rather scolded by lecturer that we’re sh*t. I kept telling myself, no… I’m worth something, more than a sh*t. I’m still okay with it, prepared for the time-test on Friday, but on Friday itself, I chicken out. A lot of us, chicken out as well and stayed in the library. To a lot of people who didn’t know, they were thinking why I was so pissed off with the comment and was thinking why I couldn’t cope with the comment and continue stand firm rather than letting myself fall. But actually, it’s the fear that I have, fear that I couldn’t score in my exam. I’ve done so much and put in a lot of effort. I had a high expectation in myself, or rather, it’s my parents who put this high expectation in me which I think I cannot fulfill unless I put in double effort. I’m not the clever one, nor the one that has good memory. my brain can only do logical part well. I was seriously burned out that week, not letting myself to fall, trying to hold the stress in myself, which accumulated in myself. I was really tired, and the only way of mine to distress is by crying out but I tried not to, or rather I don’t want to. I hold everything onto myself, turning the stress into anger, putting my fear into words and kept scolding. I am tired, really tired, but no one knows. To them, I’m stronger than any of the girl but inside me, I’m just being tough and pretend to be one. So, it all accumulated till Friday night, sister saw something was wrong with me, and gave me a big hug. Big hug doesn’t work, I hurriedly grab my bag I left when she held me back and asked ‘is everything alright?’. Tears just rolled down the cheek, which I still tried to hold on too, but I then.. I broke to tears. Sister held me and I wet her shoulder. She prayed for me and I was so much relieved. I just need encouragement, like anyone else.

Talked to a friend later, learnt a lot from her over our conversation. I’ve learnt from her that “…. life is about a journey (heard before and learnt before, and forgot about it). Not to hurry about the destination, but we’ll pull everything through and reach the destination at last. So, don’t worry about getting a sh*t grade now because 8 weeks later, it will turn gold…”

I’ve pulled myself through now, learnt to survive. I will survive, and you all out there, believe in yourself in whatever you do, you will survive as well! And man.. now, college isn’t as easier as I thought but not that hard, and I’m glad to be in and know this great people around me.

ps: I hope I didn’t hurt you guys with the words that come out of my mouth recently. Hope I didn’t offend you guys. i'm also another girl.. learning like anyone of you... :p i'm happy that our life path crossed. thank u for being there!