Standing Still

It has been in my mind for quite sometime. And it keep coming back to me no matter how hard i suppress it or try to avoid it. And during a close friend's wedding last week, all that I've suppressed in finally appeared all together, just like the light stuff all floating up on the water after being suppressed underneath. I can't help it, but the tears just flood my eyes and I tried to hard to hold it back, so that i won't ruin my make up, and it's someone's wedding!

Since the beginning of the year till now, I've attended some 4 weddings of my close friends and a cousin. till now, it's 4. they are People around me age, my peers. And what makes it worst is, people start asking when is my turn. And when they found out I'm with nobody, that makes it even more worst. And when the history of me not involved in serious relationship before, makes people wonder, if I'm gay (no offence to gay people okay...)

While my friend walk down the aisle, other than being touched by their love story and the relationship, I just thought back on my life and my love life. Seriously, I don't see that I lack of anything in my life. Loving parents, loving brothers, wonderful and loving sister in law, a group of supporting friends and a busy life. I don't understand what is it that I'm lack of, but, since the beginning of the year, I felt the pressure from people, just because I'm alone. As i told one of the Gfs about this yesterday, I can feel my tears, flooded my eyes.

Am I too picky, or the guys appear in my life just doesn't seem right. Why is it so easy for others to fall in love and be in a relationship but I can't. This was what I've been thinking. Until the poind where, I thought I am being too picky.

And yesterday, I told one of the GFs, that the main condition so called to become my other half, is He must be a christian. The moment i say that, I feel like I'm like this hard core holy fanatic Christian. Seriously, i start questioning myself, does it matter?

Yes, it does. I can't believe half of something and ignore the other half right. What Celest said last night was really encouraging. Never under estimate your own value, your own belief.

Going for it for the sake of it, is really wrong. Getting one just because I suppose to, is also wrong. having one just because everyone else did, is also wrong.

I'm also just a girl....