Runaway

yea, easier said than done. I don't have the courage to face it. I don't know how to face it. The brain says one thing but the heart says another. Instead of facing it, what I know best, is runaway. Although I've said, I have your back. But, to be honest, I really don't know how to have your back. And "I will always be there" seems to be taken for granted sometimes.

So, what I know best, is run a w a y . . . . .

Believing and Supporting

Few weeks back I've been thinking, what if you're thrown into a situation where it requires you to support even though you don't believe in it.

Months ago, in the midst of busyness with work over the weekend, I allocated the afternoon of the weekend to help gf's sister. She wanted to join a dance competition and in order to join, they need to send in a cover, a video of them introducing themselves and submit together a video of their dance. So, gf actually went around with her sister and the friends to do the cover for the DVD and later on I join them for the recording of the dance.

The dance, at the park, under the hot sun, to avoid crowd, was, hot, sweaty, and hot. GF trusted me so much with my skills, so I was there to record and all, together with them under the hot sun. Yea, and when we were taking a break, gf said to me, "so much so being supportive yea." Knowing they will compete with other countries as well, knowing it would be really competitive as dances all around asian countries would be submitting their dvds, knowing that their dance do not really stand out, knowing the camera lady sucks as well, knowing there would be not canggih editing and cropping and cutting and etc, they still took their time in preparing for their dance including what to wear and what song to pick to dance and practice the dance. seriously so much effort but they enjoy it. Well, knowing it would be one out of a million, what are we doing there?

I am not sure how would I react or how I am going to handle if my kids wanted to do something which I think it is quite impossible. Knowing the outcome would not be as idealistic as they actually think, knowing the outcome would be one in a million. I assured my gf, that it's not about the outcome, but it's about believing in them, giving them the confidence and assurance that they need as part of growing up, giving them the acceptance that one day, they will succeed as long as they don't give up. Well, said is easier than done.

Today, my gf asked me for my blessings. For something I don't believe in. For something I don't have confident in allowing her. I said "Sorry, I can't give you that blessings. I hope you understand..."

Really, easier said than done. Supporting them even though you don't believe in them. At last I understand how it felt like when parents don't agree with what I am doing or wanted to do. I don't get the support either for doing what they do not agree. But one thing which I am different from them is, I still have my gf's back. I'm not going to point finger and shout "i've told you so". But i told her, I have her back and i will always be there, whenever she needs me.

Still..... it's so hard to support even though you don't believe in it. Still, no blessings from me.

The Hope

Each day I wake up feeling good about the day, telling myself, today will be a good day, better than yesterday. But as the day turns night, things seem to turn upside down, and all I can hold on to, is, tomorrow will be a better day.

Life has been a roller coaster and I couldn't recall any period where it's pleasant and quiet. As if the quiet sea is awaiting for the storm to come and during the storm, I just wish that the sea calms down. But what is life if it's not for the ups and downs.

The only hope that I have, for He holds tomorrow, the same as yesterday, today and forever.

Just stop and look around

It's almost a year since I moved back and started working. Which means I'm coming to the end of my chambering period, very soon. It's been a great one year, having to be back with family and get to know a bunch of friends whom slowly become my pillar of support here.

One of my pillar, i get to know since beginning of the year, is a friend whom younger than me by almost a decade. Since I've started working, since i came back here, i guess life for me has been kinda suck. And being in a sucky situation, makes me soaked in a bad environment so much that things become so dull or just restless. You can say, I lost the glow on my face. But this friend, has another perception of life, an appreciation towards life and it reminds

me of whom I used to be when i was in her age. Everything seems so new and excited for her.

I guess, as bad as it is, that I'm so overwhelmed with things going on in my life, i need to stop, and look around. To appreciate what has been coming along and together. To hold what has been waiting for me. To appreciate the creation of God.

Passed by this place all the time at town and always appreciate the view from the car.

Went down the car, crossed the street to this place and took some picture the other day.

Till then, God Bless!

It’s not that you’re not good enough!

When it seems like your talent is not appreciated, when it seems like you are not given a chance, when it seems like you are invisible and people can’t see you, when it seems like you are always the back up or the substitute and never given a chance to be at the front line, do not give up. Do not be despair. For it is not that you are not good enough. For it is not others are better than you. For it is not that you do not worth or not up to that position.

当你觉得你的恩赐不被人赞赏，当你觉得每次机会都轮不到你，当你觉得别人都看不到你，当你觉得好像备份或者替代，没有机会在前线， 不要放弃。不要绝望。不是你不够好也不是别人比你好。

You could start questioning why aren’t you given a chance or why is it so unfair that you work so hard but was never appreciated. You could start holding grudges on people and keep thinking how unfair you have been treated. Or you could give yourself a thousand reasons to make yourself better, but at times, most of the reasons happen to be negative on others to make ourselves feel better.

你可以问很多的问号，为什么你没有机会，为什么那么不公平，为什么自己努力了没有人赞赏，在很多的为什么再问为什么。你也可以对人有积怨，想着你怎样不公平的被人对待。或者你可以给自己一千个理由让你自己好过，但是通常那些理由都是说了别人怎样不好来安慰自己。

Or you could go one step further, not wanting to be stuck in that position but go forward and be better. Do not stop doing whatever you are doing just cause’ people around you do not appreciate you. Whatever position you are in, continue to work hard and be better. It’s God’s given talent/gift so do not give up on yourself, for God is preparing something for you, something better, something greater than you can think of. So, do not be disappointed and give up easily. For when the time is here, when you are given the opportunity, when the chance is here, you are more than prepared, to lead, to serve, to be on the front line, to take the lead and go forward. Just be prepared!

或者你可以走前一步，不要停留在同一个地方，但是走前进，做更加好。不要因为没人赞赏而把你所做的都停留不做。不管你在什么，继续努力做的更好。那是神所给的恩赐所以你不能放弃，因神在预备更好的给你，比你想象中更要好。所以你不能失望也不能放弃。当那个时刻到了，当你的机会到了，你已经比别人更加准备好了，来事奉，来带领，在前线带领向前走。所以，你要准备！

(thanks to google translate!)

The Colleague

There is one person ("A") in the office, that I don't know how to handle or deal with. Therefore I choose to keep a distant from this person. It is hard, to NOT talk to people, or return a smile or exchange some conversation while you're in the pantry with this other person, or you happen to stand at the fax or photocopier machine together. It is just hard... It is just hard to be cool and iced. I only manage a nod, or a half smile, or a very stern "morning" greetings. Now you ask me why I am acting like this...

Among all the things I could write about A, among all the annoying things that A did, among all the greedy things that A did, and all the selfish acts of A, which if there is such award for the most kepoh chi clerk in your office, we would be more than willing to compile a short story just to support A to win such award, but, just the story of A with mugs. Yes, mugs....

Story #1

B brought new mug to office. A saw and went “aww.. so pretty” and all. The next day morning as usual, B went to make coffee but couldn’t find the new mug. So B used some other mug. After that, B saw A holding B’s new mug with coffee. A says, “there is no clean cups available so I used yours” while smiling cheekily. =.=

Story #2

C brought new mug to office. A plain cup. A went “oh… so pretty….. where did u get that??” A asked if C has some more at home. Asked to give A one.

Story #3

After hearing the first two incidents, I decided to take my mug back to my room. Because I was asked to go meeting asap, I left the mug outside meeting room, in between the boxes and files. A saw it. A asked my other colleague, whose cup is that!

It was said that if you smile at people every day without them returning a smile, they will one day. Of course, this comes in with a hope that every day is a new day, and a hope that tomorrow people will smile back at you.

Of course, it’s not just about mugs. It’s about a lot of things that I kinda forgot about the details. But, instead of learning to say no to A, I decided to make a distant from A. I am sure A is doing that charm on me, the smile charm, at least, that is what i think now. Cause whenever A has chance, A would try to talk to me. Or be around me whoever I’m talking to.

Random

Because I'm still working in office and

Because I haven't had my dinner yet.

A supporter came to say hi in the midst of me working.

It's only 2nd of June!

Me, I left only a RM500 to survive till the next pay check...

Friend, 500 bucks left, meaning average 100 per week. No outing for you till next month. Let's eat roti this month.

Friend, anyways, u can still count on me if you're broke.

Me, I want to sell blood already. U eat roti already now. how to count on you.

Friend, I share mine with you. Can keep fit at the same time.

awwww.....

Not that we're big spender, just that we earn little at the moment. As chambering student. Considering working part-time at Starbucks or something, but we always have to work till late night.

On the other hand, I forgot that i'm tight and I've just ordered MacD delivery with my colleague. And then boss decided to treat us KFC. So, MacD meal and KFC Snack plate waiting for me. hmmm....

back to work!

Duty Counsel

As part of the requirement before graduating at a qualified lawyer with license to practice, one of the many requirements is Duty Counsel. Unlike Peninsular Malaysia, Sabah Bar has only one type of duty, which is the Duty Counsel. We have to do 12 times duty counsel, going into the lock-up, do some interview with the accused and help to mitigate for them.

So, it's been 6 months and I've done more than I've should (sometimes i went without taking attendance), as in attendance of 12 times for Duty Counsel. But the real interview, I did 3 times only. Out of the 3 times, I did only twice in the lock up. (Please anyone, don't dispute this when I get called to the Bar). Because.....

the very first Duty Counsel that I did with my colleague, we went into the lock-up with a supervisor and another chambee as well. We went to the ladies' cell and next to it is the men's cell. As near as about 1 metre only, one accused stood at the bar, sticked his hand into his pants and started his business, with people just next to him. We freaked out but just remained calm until we got out of the cell. damn....

In and out of the court for trials and other matter, I did my Duty Counsel by doing bits of interview in the Court just before the hearing starts or just attend the Hearing and take attendance. So yea, that was about it.

Today, I went to do another round again, and i actually went to into the lock-up because my colleague need to interview some accused. So, I went in with her, haunted by the 1st experience, other than the smell. It was alright. There are people trying to slip papers with numbers of their contacts so that we can transfer message for them, but politely we decline as it's not part of our job.

That was about it. 3 to 5 more to go and i told the supervisor not to allow me to take attendance unless I do the interview with the accused. Just gotta train my guts right? :)

Heart of Compassion

Ever since I started handling conveyancing matters, I learn to deal with the nasty side of people. I get scoldings from clients, clients slam the phone on me, lawyers sweet talk to me just so i do them favour. I take it personally sometimes, and because most of the times we are stuck in between all parties, it is not our fault because of the delay and things cannot be done in one day. But slowly, we learn to deal with them and we learn to ignore their scoldings.

And when it comes to court matter, especially in the crime side, we get to see a lot of cases that you feel sorry for. Mother with a few kids caught stealing because of poverty, poor people who gets unfair treatment and fairness in hearing for they do not know their rights and unrepresented, people get caught for drug trafficking but was in possession innocently after friend asked to pass it to another etc. I feel for them, i really do, but what can I do? for one moment, I really wanted to represent the unrepresented one pro bono but I've got no locus standi till end of the year.

And there was murder case by a 17 year old 2 weeks ago and my dad emo-ed about it for few days. Thinking how could the accused live now. Thinking how does the victim's family doing now. Thinking how could the accused do that. And there was a ruling yesterday on a self-defense case on a murder. Again, my dad ask me, how do i feel when i see all this in the court.

Me, sorry but, somehow I don't feel so much now. Save my feelings as feelings does not help me at all. Feelings does not help you to think rationally. Feelings does not help you to think better as a lawyer. May be I've never involved in the cases before. May be I haven't seen a lot. or may be i've seen to little. or may be i'm just ignorant. or may be, just cause, it does not help at all. Being compassion for people is good thing, but I think, what you do about your heart for the people is different thing. Just by being compassion, i think, we can just save the feelings. Having the heart of compassion and doing something about it, that, I want to be.

I still get irritated when client scolded me. Just in my heart, I'll say "FU,TQ!".

Wolverine or Two Batmen

I've been getting some weird comments in reply to what I wrote on my FB status. And somehow, all the rants, majority of them, misinterpreted by people as connected to my job. I don't know how people read it or misinterpret it as it is, but probably because people think my life revolve around my work.

Knowing the high level of P&C required in my job and knowing the town is so damn small that words travel really fast and knowing people add spices and opinion of what they thought it is onto the interpretation they made based on the original sentence or content, I refrained myself from writing anything related to my work, my colleagues, my case and etc.

But somehow, people see it that way. I do not know why. To know the exact meaning, ask the maker, me! :)

No, my words are not optical illusion images.