(At Coffee Bean now, 2.43pm, Listening to Planet Shakers....)
It was another fight this week, barely back at home less than a week. Yes, I'm so open up to tell about my little fight I have with people. I'm not a perfect one.... I am just disappointed at myself... that's all.
We had a fight again, a sort of continued version from where we left out the other night. And it ended up with me banging all the tables, chairs and wall around me. See, i'm not violence at all, and i'm not the spoil brat type that is stubborn and always think that the whole world owe me a life. I'm not a self-centred person, rather would sacrifice a bit just to see people around me smile. Yes, I am not usually the me today. And after all the banging and kicking, i broke down to tears. the pain in my heart was transformed to me hitting everything around me and at last to the tears.
The fight ended with me uttered "I shouldn't have come back.... I really shouldn't have come back." But i know, there's no way to run, what I have to face, is really what i should face. no hiding, no running but to face. The amount of responsiblity that I have back here at home, seems to disappear when i'm away, but slowly visible when i'm back here. Yes, no one can runaway from responsiblity, no one can runaway from whatever that is waiting for them, yes you can run, you can hide, but still.... you need to face them. and I did, I did face them. And to much of my surprise, I'm not as tough as I thought and my burden is getting heavier and heavier.. and i'm holding onto it....
the usually not me finally broke down today. finally home to a lot of people meaning they can eat and sleep all they can in holidays, but not me. the older I get, the more responsible I have. Just a few days back, I had video conversation with Addy, and the moment she saw me.. she said 'You look tired..'. Yeah, i'm tired. Seeing so many things, holding on some many matters, i'm juggling between people and their problem. family especially, every family have their problem after all, not one's perfect. Seeing those responsiblity and stress that I have, in another way, it's also a gift, to be so detailed to see other's life, to help in anyway, and to hold them on when they're tired... I'm happy actually, that i felt needed by my family and friends. Right now.. I'm just tired... tired of hanging on everything to myself.... I beg for understanding, just to have people to understand me, i'm not a supergirl after all, i'm not a superwoman, i'm not tough, i'm not emotionally stable and confidence, i'm afterall.... only a girl.. yes, at the age of 24, i should be more independant than most of my peers, to be more secured and stable than my peers, i should be more emotionally and mentally stable, but... i'm still a girl afterall...
I don't mind to being the middle child that knows everything, i don't mind taking up the responsibility of the eldest child of the family, I don't mind you coming to me and tell me all your problem, i don't mind being the juggler to solve others' problem, I don't mind being the person that you can turn to when you need a shoulder to lean, or ear to listen to all your grumbles, I don't mind at all.... I didn't ask you to understand me, I didn't even ask you to try to understand my situation.... if you can't help me at all, I'm fine with it... but please don't tear me down.. I'm really not a superwoman... i cry too... I fell down too.... although I'm 24 ... I'm still a girl.. I'm still learning... I'm not tough at all... I also need people to tell me 'everything's going to be alright'... I also need people to know that I AM NOT okay.... I also need shoulder to lean on when i'm tired... but having to know what's their reaction when I call them and tell them my problem, I then chose not to tell, I chose to keep it to myself, so hard to get people to understand me, so i chose to shut it down all to myself... i know this is only a while... I'll be fine later... it's just a process.. from falling to picking myself up... I can hear friend saying to me 'you'll be alright, I know you'll be alright'.. but sometimes.. when I'm totally burned out.. I really need... need you to be there for me....
It was another fight this week, barely back at home less than a week. Yes, I'm so open up to tell about my little fight I have with people. I'm not a perfect one.... I am just disappointed at myself... that's all.
We had a fight again, a sort of continued version from where we left out the other night. And it ended up with me banging all the tables, chairs and wall around me. See, i'm not violence at all, and i'm not the spoil brat type that is stubborn and always think that the whole world owe me a life. I'm not a self-centred person, rather would sacrifice a bit just to see people around me smile. Yes, I am not usually the me today. And after all the banging and kicking, i broke down to tears. the pain in my heart was transformed to me hitting everything around me and at last to the tears.
The fight ended with me uttered "I shouldn't have come back.... I really shouldn't have come back." But i know, there's no way to run, what I have to face, is really what i should face. no hiding, no running but to face. The amount of responsiblity that I have back here at home, seems to disappear when i'm away, but slowly visible when i'm back here. Yes, no one can runaway from responsiblity, no one can runaway from whatever that is waiting for them, yes you can run, you can hide, but still.... you need to face them. and I did, I did face them. And to much of my surprise, I'm not as tough as I thought and my burden is getting heavier and heavier.. and i'm holding onto it....
the usually not me finally broke down today. finally home to a lot of people meaning they can eat and sleep all they can in holidays, but not me. the older I get, the more responsible I have. Just a few days back, I had video conversation with Addy, and the moment she saw me.. she said 'You look tired..'. Yeah, i'm tired. Seeing so many things, holding on some many matters, i'm juggling between people and their problem. family especially, every family have their problem after all, not one's perfect. Seeing those responsiblity and stress that I have, in another way, it's also a gift, to be so detailed to see other's life, to help in anyway, and to hold them on when they're tired... I'm happy actually, that i felt needed by my family and friends. Right now.. I'm just tired... tired of hanging on everything to myself.... I beg for understanding, just to have people to understand me, i'm not a supergirl after all, i'm not a superwoman, i'm not tough, i'm not emotionally stable and confidence, i'm afterall.... only a girl.. yes, at the age of 24, i should be more independant than most of my peers, to be more secured and stable than my peers, i should be more emotionally and mentally stable, but... i'm still a girl afterall...
I don't mind to being the middle child that knows everything, i don't mind taking up the responsibility of the eldest child of the family, I don't mind you coming to me and tell me all your problem, i don't mind being the juggler to solve others' problem, I don't mind being the person that you can turn to when you need a shoulder to lean, or ear to listen to all your grumbles, I don't mind at all.... I didn't ask you to understand me, I didn't even ask you to try to understand my situation.... if you can't help me at all, I'm fine with it... but please don't tear me down.. I'm really not a superwoman... i cry too... I fell down too.... although I'm 24 ... I'm still a girl.. I'm still learning... I'm not tough at all... I also need people to tell me 'everything's going to be alright'... I also need people to know that I AM NOT okay.... I also need shoulder to lean on when i'm tired... but having to know what's their reaction when I call them and tell them my problem, I then chose not to tell, I chose to keep it to myself, so hard to get people to understand me, so i chose to shut it down all to myself... i know this is only a while... I'll be fine later... it's just a process.. from falling to picking myself up... I can hear friend saying to me 'you'll be alright, I know you'll be alright'.. but sometimes.. when I'm totally burned out.. I really need... need you to be there for me....
I'm not a superwoman...
Sorry for I broke down and fought back, I know I shouldn't have. I should have been more tough than usual, more patience than normally I do and I should have a bigger heart to hold all the pressure given.....
I'm fine now.... not angry or mad, if it's mad.. part of it is because i'm disapointed at myself.. nothing more than that... I've picked myself up... knowing that no point hanging onto the broken heart for long time... I'll be stronger.. I know... but still.. not a superwoman... right now... still sitting at coffee bean, read 'Ps, i love you' before typing this post.. giggled and laughed while reading till the lady next to me kept on looking at me... my hand and wrist still in pain from the consequences of banging everything... yeah... banging everything is better than scolding people.. at least i hurt myself rather than hurting people... but mind you who is underage.. or not mature yet.. haha... I'm not encouraging you to be violence.. as I've said.. this is not usual me.. and I don't get mad easily and angry like this... it's just that I'm up to the point that I don't know what to do.... yeah... i'm fine now... typing out this post while replying addy's text messages... for she's in the firm now waiting to be interview... am excited for her.. cause I've done mine and It was a good experience.... so.. I typed a lot to make sure she grasp those experience and won't miss out even one of the exciting moment...
it's 3.40pm now... i haven't finished my cake and got to go... muaks... to all the people that i love...
2 comments:
Dear, no matter what you've been through, always remember that you have us with you. Aren't we like your 2nd home? I know you've tried hard to be the understanding daughter, we all understood. You can always come to us when you need a shoulder to cry. I can always hum hymns for you to soothe the emotions.
Stay tough, and I know you are one!
Muakss...
*hugs*
*speechless*
just....
*hugs*
thank you for everything...
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