Unreasonable

I had been really restless since back home. Yeah, posts that i've made since back says it all. As i'm beginning to learn about adulthood and realise about what I am going to be one day, I'm more and more to fear of becoming a grown up. Although I'm soon becoming quarter century age, but because of the position where I'm in, i still consider myself still 'small', under the covering of parents and living under the roof of my parents and fully financed by them, while lots of my peers, already climbing the corporate ladder and earn their own money.

But it's not about fear of being a grown up, earning own living and having a family. What I'm fear most, is being a grown up lady/woman.

But still I am a girl. Yes, though I don't like what us girls always do, I still can't deny that I owned the so called gen of all the girls has.

The most general attitude that we have is we always say that we don't want but we actually meant we want. Dumb huh. How much we contradict what our heart wants with what the brain says. And a lot of times, i felt so stupid after saying what i meant the other way round but afterall, I still do it.

And the thing about woman is, they are famous with being unreasonable. How many times you explain that you are referring to the matter and not her, she still think that you are condemning her. Not a perception, but it's just woman.

How many times i've encountered this....

I'm at the main road driving and there was a woman waiting at the junction coming to the main road. How many times i encountered this. I stopped and let the lady, this woman just turned in without acknowledge me. I'm not asking her to thank me, but she gave me the feelings as if i have to let her, that i owe her this duty.

Or how many times when i don't hold the lift for people, if it's a lady, I'll sure get a stare from her. Well, guys will just hold the lift door. Well, isn't it a courtesy, or a manner to say thank you. or at least, don't give people that "you should hold the door of the lift" stare. But too bad, we don't have the culture here. (Maybe for them, they want the young one to respect them and insist that it's sort of, our duty. bleh!!!)

Worst thing is, if your girlfriend/wife ask you the most popular question, "am i phat??". If you say yes honestly, there she goes, "you don't love me anymore, that you think that i'm not pretty and slim like i used too....". -__-'''

getting on my nerve, though i'm a girl, i try hard not to behave like that, cause I can't even stand myself.

When there is love, there is a balance to strike. Thou love is the biggest of all, love doesn't give u the reason for being unreasonable.

She, "Why can't you just accept me as who i am, even when i talk ridiculously or when the things that i say hurts you?".
You, "that's different. what you've just said really hurts".
And the unreasonable one "why there is no more love around, to even forgive the ridiculous and hurtful comment of mine".
-__-'''

they are just being unreasonable, or in canton "da wang lei gong".

I just have to learn, to say what i want and not the other way round.
A Yes when I meant Yes and No when i meant no.

Waiting

It's raining again and I'm sitting comfortably in the office. yes, it's a good weather to take a nap, and hence makes me sleepy right now and had pushed aside my work and start surfing the net.

was still thinking about the question that the client asked me the other day, "are you married". No i replied. Oh, single and available. Well, it's single but not really available. The client am, i was told, still single. I'm not going to say the client is desperate but somehow the way she talked to guys doesn't represent her age and the attitude that she ought to have. Maybe she is being friendly, but only to guys. You will say that I have that kind of perception towards women in that category but, not, I'm not assuming an attitude towards people in that category. there is no wrong in being single, being married is not really compulsory in life, but study showed that married people tends to live longer that those whom are singles for life. No, i am not bias or having wrong perception, but i thought, being single can be happy as well. But it's just that i never seen a woman whom are single, successful in career and happy. And i'm not desperate, although a lot of people were saying that i should start looking for my other half but, I just don't want to be like those women. Be it that i'm single, I don't want to be stamp on my forehead as being desperate with sad life. So girls out there who are still single, are you scared?? haha. *smile* i'm still enjoying...

I read randomly on someone's blog, whom just left for further studies in overseas. read through her preparation before leaving just made me thinking again. My result is not out yet and everything seems so hanging where i cannot do anything at all. Dad has been reminded me several times to bring the winter coat to dry wash, but i never did. Still not too sure about the future, everything seems so stuck and all i can do is just wait. Future seems so blur but i know who holds tomorrow. When God open one door, He will open it all the way, kept repeating in myself, to have faith on the higher ground. I just want to shout out loud, that i'm leaving. An opportunity that i've waited for years. *cross finger*

So, exactly 7 years ago, I came out of home to further studies. Dad says, that makes me a half KL-ian. Hmm.. i'm not being doublestandard boasting or whatever u call that, but i really forgot some of the road in KK. Dad got annoyed by me kept asking which way to go last weekend when they insisted that i drive. Sigh, i really forgot. I can't think/plan the route virtually in my head. I really had forgot. Dad ,'you look like you're visitor in Sabah from KL'. O_o Shall let them drive next time. *hmmpf*

Now, while working, while waiting for result, I'm sitting for IELTS in coming 2 weeks and I'm planning where to go for holidays during the last 2 weeks of August. Still.. in planning.

for now,
God Bless you!

Untitled XVI

I was about to write about the incident that i saw yesterday while yum-cha-ing (afternoon tea) at the nearby yum cha place. But, fear came in. does FOE exist? does HR protects us? Now.. not so serious lah....

3 ppl came, supposedly to check whether the shop is clean or not, but just came a while. they, left with an extra envelope. Well, u know i know lah. i Fear my human rights not protected, i shall just tell the story as vague as i can lah. While there is no such provision exist, sometimes, it will exist just because of you. but that 3 ppl, I gave a nice shot with my eyes. One glance, all eyes meet... M16 shot. another glance... i read their names.

there was once....Saw the ppl patrol the pasar malam. the ppl wanted to buy a sunglasses and offered to pay. The stall owner gave as a gift. so good. should change field, so next time i can bring whole family go shopping free at pasar malam.

***

I had lunch with colleagues together with the representatives of firm's big client. Not too bad as I went with cousins. Lunch was okay, but was thinking whether we have to do this from time to time, to get connected, expand the network, so that the firm business keep running. Not talking about earning more profit, but just the necessary ones to run the firm. Yeah. Whether it's litigation or conveyancing field of law, we still need network of people as they have the possibility of becoming your client. So, it's alright that we all go to happy hour once in a while in the pub, as it's a training ground, to practise our ability in drinking, especially girls, that we need to learn so that we can protect ourself. Hehe.. just excuse lah right.. but it's true actually.

Overall, it was good. We had buffet, therefore, most of the topic of conversation was on food, which one is delicious and where can they get it. Other than that, the highlight was, the questions that they asked me, including....

"are you married? ". -_-"' No...
"are you from local?" -_-''' Yes...
"oh.. you're a chinese..." Yea... O_o

Bought a new chic-lit. hehe. "anybody out there". Had finished 2 books this holiday. So, while waiting for my downloads, i can fill the time reading the book.

enough of my ramblings.

Have a great Sunday tomorrow!

Childhood

It's time to update the blog again. bleh.

Am in the office doing nothing since morning, just waiting for my boss to sign the documents that i've prepared. In the mean time, i surf net, and reading whatever i can read (except for the XXX websites) and downloading all the videos that i want. *whisper* shhh, don't tell my boss. He will figure it out one day when he receives the bill with the amount of bytes downloaded from the Internet. But well, it's streamyx line that the firm has to pay every month, why not use it to the max??! haha.

So, for the last few days, I've been digging into friend's friend's blog, or friendster. Found out some really old friends or rather people that i've met before, including in tuition classes, primary school and secondary school. Some even got married also. But, the me still trying to hunt down people that bully me before. yes, I was bullied when i was really small.

Being short and tiny me, I wasn't the favourite people among my classmates in the class. Although some of the teachers like me, i think it's because i'm practically look like an angmoh lang or mixed blood/race kid and I was heavily active in co-cum but certainly dislike by fella classmates especially those who were of same race as me. Befriend with the minorities and the ones that are labelled as weirdo, I still have a friend whom still keep in touch till now. Just one.

I still remember, how i was bullied. Particularly one rich kid that likes to treat fella classmates and always, while distributing money, she would say "to you all, except for her", while pointing at me. Well, with the 20 cents or sometimes 40cents that was given by parents, I still survive through. But yeah, thank God, i still have a pleasant childhood and that didn't give a bad memories to me. i'm just eager to know, what happen to them today. they definitely will be surprise, the one that they bullied once, is doing well today.

Well, I thank God so much, that in between the one that being bullied and the one that bullies, I was the innocent one that always been bullied. I remembered well, there was a girl in secondary school, stick a long celotape on my hair and messed it up. While me trying to pull it out myself, the other 7 girls of her gang helped me to pull it out. Well, in the end, they just have to cut my hair, cause it was really really bad. Haha. years after we graduated, this friend found me through friendster and sent a message, said sorry for all the bad memories that she has given to me. Haha. being bullied actually, not as bad as being a bully.

Well, after 13 years. I kinda forgot how my fella primary school classmates look like. Apart from all the bully incident, I had great time, being representative in inter-class, inter-school and inter-state competitions. Well, I'm not a straight-A stud, but more of a balance in between co-cum and studies. I'm just blessed.

***

Recently I read about the 17 yrs old kid whom killed the tuition teacher's 11yrs old kid 5 years ago. Not sure what's in the mind of 12 years old but judging from the amount of stabs on the innocent 11 years old kid, 20 stabs.. it seems so .... can't find a word to explain. When there is not provision on mandatory death on teenager for murder, pardon upon King's pleasure was ruled to be not constitutional. What does a kid at the age of 12 know? Whose fault it that? Parents, the tv or peers influence? It's really scary to raise a kid today.

***

Just realised that the post is kinda long. Ty would say 'ya write essay ah??'. Well, maybe i'm in the preparation for IELTS test. Aiming 7.5 and above, at least. Bro got 8.0 band and the girlfriend's 8.5 band. Impressive huh. It's actually not that hard right? hehe.....

Alright... got to stop. It's 12 pm soon. Haha.

Untitled XV

It's has been 3 weeks since I came back to hometown. Nothing much has changed here and slowly getting used to the life here. Although i still don't like the traffic here, the slower pace even in the fast lane is quite irritating actually and some people can driver REALLY slow and some can be REALLY crazy. Apart from forgotten where is where and how to get to where, I'm all good, settle in for 2 months before flying out again, *hold my hand, say a lil prayer*, hopefully to UK in september.

the decision is not official yet, waiting for my result now, hopefully all pass with 55% and above. So, i didn't spill the beans myself but parents went around telling people unintentionally, that I'm flying off this september. Air tickets were booked, passport were checked and winter coats were asked to prepared by parents as well as sterling pounds were changed as preparation for me to leave to UK. scary isn't it. of course, there are negatives thoughts inside but i push it all, and have a little bit more faith day by day in God. He certainly have great plan instore for me.

At the mean time, I'm working in the same firm. Sometimes i'm really busy with paper work, sometimes i'm busy surfing net and downloading (while there's no work for me). Went back to mom's hometown last weekend and it was a good rest back there. Now, in planning whether to go HK or not, for shopping as i need winter clothes, and i didn't have enough of shopping the last time i went. Not going to disney land, definitely not, if i'm going alone. hehe.

So... i've finished Ps, i love you and My best friend's Daughter. Currently, hunting for new chic-lit, which i didn't have the chance to go bookstore. Just lazy.

Got to stop to continue work.

God bless, have a great week ahead!

Heya

On Valentine's Day during Land Law class.
Not that the class was bored,
just that the bear is so cute and,
it wants to learn land law as well.

The best time of the academic year, other that the first week after our semester break ends where everyone met each other and lots of catch up to do and hanging out together, another time of the year that i enjoyed most is the exam period, the final 2 months before exam. You must be thinking how crazy I am, not wanting to enjoy life and spend time by wasting it, every minute and every hour of the 2 months is precious, and it makes everything looks more precious. There was so much to read, so much to read again and so muuuuch to read and little time for friends and family, and that's when we appreciate each other the most.

People say we save up a lot during exam period
cause we just stay at home and 'eat books'.
Well, a lot of money spent on keeping me awake,
keeping me awake and keeping me awake.
Thanks to Brands, M&Ms, Nescafe....

I remember during the preparation for Year 1 exam, every night, almost every night, me and Ty put on the webcam together and study. It didn't feel so much as if you're alone. The whole night, the webcam is on, and, we had discussion instantly. And this is the month where my phone bill raised drastically, consequence from calling and sms-ing friends about revisions and questions.

One of the study time together at my place, which at last all ended up lying on the floor together and start chatting. Well, it's Ty who started it first, didn't study much and took nap. I can't help it but to disturb her, which later yeng joined us and 3 of us.. chat together and not studying.

In the final two months of Year 2, the same gang of us, still, studied together, had group discussion and long calls to discuss and explain. While every minute counts, the time over the phone asking how are you doing became so much appreciated, as you know, friends really cared. Not many people know the struggles and the challenges that we faces as much as those that involves in it, and we, while trying to stand still, also try to help others not to fall but continue to lift others up and continue walking.

One of the way to memorise notes is to keep writing
the same thing again and again,
and writing on paper with pen is a tiring job and waste paper.
So, Sy and I had the white board to write on
and placed the pig in front, as student.
As we are too busy studying, we didn't bother picking it up
from the floor and, it read trespass for 3 days and 3 nights. Haha.

Many times i wanted to break down and cry over it, many times i felt as though it's so hard to carry on, many times I felt so much alone that my legs are so heavy that i could not carry on, many times i felt so restless and so tiny as compare to others. As much as many times, i tried to memorise the same thing again and again, as i thought i didn't memorise the notes well and many times, I thought that i'm not good enough, that i'm not going to make it, as good as i thought.

Steamboat after the internal programme exam ended
and at the same time was the first day of my paper.
Still have time, for steamboat and hangout. Love it.

But, friends were always there to encourage. Some offered encouragement by texting petrol or oil, so that i will carry on. Some, encouraged by texting words of encouragement, that somehow lifted up my spirit. "You know it one you know, you don't have to remember words by words", "delivery petrol to you, jia you", "don't worry, you are not alone". Those words kept running in my head, reminding myself not to give up but to strike the best. And most importantly, the 10 fingers prayer, I can do things thru Christ who strenghthen me.

this is not by a lil kid, but Sy. She's just trying to draw a fish,
which she's still learning it. haha.

Now, while waiting for result and some of my friends will resit some of the papers, those spirit and strength that we had once, i hope will continue to lift them up, brighten them to continue to strike their best. Not that they are not good enough, it's just that they are almost there. Like what i've told Sy, you almost cross over to next door. It's just another step to go. So guys, all the best and strike the best you can!

Wrote this to myself, as to encourage myself.
It's still depends on you, to have the confident in yourself.
No matter how, we still need to pick ourselves up and continue walking.
I myself cried before during the exam period,
but, I still carry on, we all did, as we have each other.
So people, don't stop, never give up!

Just-some-girl

It's been a week since i came home. Still can't get used to the life there especially adapting to the slower pace of life here and with parents around. Luckily, working in the firm can kill the time, plus earning some pocket money.

Other than the difference in the time of sunrise and sunset, the biggest difference of all, is being to live with family again. I've been staying out of home since 7 years ago, most of the time i'm out there. Can't deny, I like the life of being out there, coming back home meaning my shoulder is heavier and more responsibility, which sometimes, i can't even cope. Sometimes i really wish that i'm a superwoman, but the truth is i am not. To lots of people, i'm strong and independent, to people, i'm carefree and happy-go-lucky, but yeah, that's only when some of the time. I remember i cried a lot the first week i came back during last holiday. Much issues not solved and till now, is still not solved. Growingly tired, how i wish i can run away. i can't just close my eyes and pretend that nothing has happened.

No, it didn't teach me to be stronger nor it did grow me into maturity. It makes me realise how actually i am not that capable in the eyes of people and my credibility is actually, lower than what i thought i was. And with the burden that is placed on my shoulder without expecting me to solve it, i more and more wished that I've never grown up, I've never known so much, and I've never be the person who I am now.

People expect me to be understanding, to take it maturely and to be considerate. it is as if i'm standing in the middle of a crossroad, where people from all direction throwing burden on me and trying to drag me towards their direction, which i try to stand still not wanting to move but instead they rip me off hurting me physically. Why is it so? People just don't realise it, that they are hurting the people around them.

Can i be irresponsible? Can i just fly out high and pretend that i don't know? Can i act immaturely and run away?

I'm not typing this to seek attention. Nor asking for comfort or sympathy. My words uttered from my mouth is unreachable. i can only type it out. what it takes so that people will listen to me? is it measured by the wealth that i have or my status in the society or the amount of recognition that i get or the good deed that i've contribute towards the society. is it just because i'm some girl. Just-some-girl pleads and begs so that she can stand out and voice her opinion and view, which is stupid and unreasonable in the eyes of the people.

But people has forgotten, that they were once... 25 years old. or either way, they were whom they are now when they popped out of their mothers' womb.