07.03.09

It was one of the nights where I'm feeling so empty. Was driving back from class and don't know what am I doing. It was Friday and I know, I need to be in my cell, so I went. I didn't want to do anything but to sit among people whom once close to me, still, now. I just want to sit there and be in my own world while someone is sharing. And I was hoping that the sharing last forever cause I don't feel like doing anything else but to just enjoy the moment of 'being home'.

My mind flew back to the time with the ex-cell leader with ex-cell members. The cozy feeling of having each other, the sense of security and belonging that i look forward every week. Not that I don't feel it now, it's because I'm not heavily active in others' life and also the cell and the church, and they're not really in my life now. Suddenly I thought of the times where my cell leader being my big buddy. AT times where I stone in cell, she always knew something is wrong with me. And she knew it how to differentiate between the troubled face and the boring face, cause I'll just stone. Though I don't tell her a lot of things, whether I'm going through hard time or not, she'll just know it and always, say the right thing. I really miss those time, be weak and cry over her shoulder, throw all the burden aside and just let it be. And now,I know, I have to stand on my own.

I'm so lost, I told Celest. Though i don't feel like seeing anyone, or talking even, I went to cell, i told her. My thoughts are every where, I can't even explain to her how am I lost. I can't help but tears just fly out when Celest pray for me. I am really so tired.

But I still need to continue on, keep going on, persevere and hang in there. I am strong, as I always will, and I will be.

ps: Thanks for the text tonight. You'll never know how touched I was. I sang that song by myself all the way back home just now, with the radio on. Miss you loads :)