Thank God it's Friday!

After the other day......

addie say ... don't soak myself with the sadness/madness for too long,
tracy say ... whenever I'm in stress, don't blog it but call her,
yeng say ...don't be mad,
sze say... never mind about others, I have her....

So, I'm fine now.

Today is Friday and it's weekend. what's the plan? what's the plan? haha!

I had been checking out my phone every 15 minutes, make sure my Yahoo and MSN Messenger is on 'Online' status. Hoping that someone ask me out for lunch. Well, last hope, i'll start calling one by one, hopefully there are friend who's willing to go lunch with me.. kekeke....

So, what's the plan again this weekend? Oh, i've got seminar at night until Monday. Promised to help become photographer in the seminar. Day time.. hmm.... my time not booked yet, but, surely plan will come in last minute....

Today.. I'm so alive... maybe because it's Friday..kekekekke....

Enjoy!

My Problem or yours?

I couldn't help it to think in your shoe instead of me keep on angrying at you. Somehow, i cannot see things from one side only, but both side.

I don't know what happen to you, or what is wrong with you. But just seriously, I lost my patience and temper because of your countless complaints on me which really tear me down. You don't know that I've lost my temper, my messages sounds so humble and trying to make up with you.

just like you, i have my own problem and matters to deal. I am a girl, i am not superwoman. I can listen, i can lend a shoulder for you to lean a while. We just talked this afternoon and now that u are mad for i didn't pick up your phone at night. Is this reasonable enough to be mad about, rationale enough that one will get angry when one person calls and the other doesn't pick up the phone? Or demanding and possesive you that I have to pick up every of your calls and reply all of your sms-es? Demanding and possesive you, do you know how hard my life is recently? Do u know how stressfull (sorry tracy, i can't help but using this word again) I am? Do u know what matter i have that makes my head so big and heavy? NO.. you don't know. I didn't tell you and you will never know. Even if i tell you, you never reply those emergency/stressful messages. I don't blame you. I did not blame you. But can't you just think in my shoe for like 1 minute. ANd your repeated same old complaints, is really not going to help you or me. You are telling me the same thing again and again, what's the point? Why not get a solution instead of moaning about it?

i runaway from you? maybe yes, maybe no. I runaway because i am not strong enough for you, to share your burden, your same old repeated problems. get a life! get a solution!

(12.35am - stop to go airport)

It's 2am now and I just showered. Not quite mad now, just now went to airport to pick up bro, arrived at 12.50am.

Was very upset and mad just now, can see from the way i expressed it through the words.

I've got nothing to say, I'm just speechless. Let it be whatever it will be.

My Life is my life, not yours!

I'm so tempted to off the phone. Yes. I'm pissed off with you.

Just because i cared for you, that DOESN'T
- give right to throw anger at me, lose temper on me.
- blame it on me when i'm not there when u need me -where were you when i need you??? those emergency text/calls come once in a few months only and where were you? I don't and did not blame you. thanks to you, I learnt to overcome by myself. SO... don't throw faults on me.
It's not only you that have PROBLEM. I HAVE problems also. If you see that i stop sending caring messages, why not you start caring for me and ASK WHAT HAPPEN TO ME instead of SHOUTING AT ME "NOW THEN YOU THINK I EXIST" whenever you caught me online.

Don't think that everything is YOU, YOU and YOU ONLY. YOU ARE NOT THE CENTRE OF THE ATTENTION. when there's something wrong, try to think what had happen to me, instead of scolding WHY I DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE???

And just because i never get angry or easily pissed off, that doesn't give you permission to simply give non-constructive comments on me. My happiness, my life, is not only from you and to you only. i have my own life. don't EVER THINK THAT, everything of me has to be connected with you.

MY SMILE, MY LAUGHTER, MY HAPPINESS, MY JOY IS NOT FROM YOU AND YOU ONLY. IF YOU SEE MY HAPPY BEING WITH MY FRIENDS, YOU SHOULD BLESS ME. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING, WHY I HAD BECOME SO FRIENDLY AND SURROUNDED WITH FRIENDS???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(for goodness sake, my foul words are all coming out. that shows how piss i am.)

I am still angry.

But i still text you and said sorry. I've gave explaination. i DID NOT do it on purpose. i DID NOT hear my phone is ringing. BUT you don't accept my explaination. I SAID SORRY again. you lose temper on me. WHY DO I STILL CARE WHEN U LOSE TEMPER ON ME? because you are my friend. FRIEND OKAY. think of me in my shoe and taste it yourself! I HAVE A WORTH, NOT BORNED FOR YOU TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER JUST LIKE THAT ON ME FOR NOTHING!!!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? CENTRE OF THE WORLD? I AM ONLY YOUR D*MN IT FRIEND OKAY???!!!

Yes.. I've switched off the phone.

12 Social Disorders

12 Social Disorder

How you conduct yourself has a lot to do with how popular you are. If you can avoid the 12 things below, chances are high that you will not spend weekend after weekend watching TV alone in your flat.

And by the way, while reading these, how much do you recognise of yourself, and of others you know?

One-upmanship. If you've just picked up RM10 in the street, this person will tell you how he once picked up RM50. If you've just broken your leg, you're no match for their cousin who is in a wheelchair after a diving accident. You name it, they can go bigger and better and you can't help sometimes to wonder about the truth of all these stories. Or about how low their self-image must be never to be able to simply be happy for someone else when things go well. Or just be there for them when they don't, without having to denigrate whatever's just happened to them.

Not listening. Talking and listening should be a 50/50 thing. If you always do all the talking and only listen to someone when what they are saying is somehow to your advantage, don't expect to be popular. There is a big difference between listening and waiting to talk. Worse still, is interrupting someone. When you do this, what you are basically saying is that what they are saying is of no importance and that which you are saying is so much more important. This is no way to endear yourself. On the contrary. Being a bad listener could spell the end of your social life, if you have one, that is.

Constantly coming late. Making people wait for you, especially if it is in a public place, is simply unforgivable. Sometimes it is unavoidable, such as when a tree has fallen across the road or your car has broken down, but if it is simply because you couldn't be bothered, think for a moment about what message it is sending to the other person: your time is not as important as mine and I don't care if yours is wasted by standing around waiting for me. Do this to someone a few times and watch how quickly you disappear off their Christmas list.

Not respecting confidentiality. If things are told to you in confidence and you spread them around – usually under the guise of concern, of course – don't expect people to trust you again. You are not being a friend, you are just collecting repeatable snippets. Don't be surprised if you're left off the dinner invitation lists next time.

Being moody. Everyone has days on which they feel less than great. But there is a huge difference between withdrawing quietly and somehow holding those around you responsible for your state of mind. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you don't accept that, others may quickly tire of the burden of being with you. That goes for spouses too.

Being racist. This is a real turnoff, whatever the situation. Making racist remarks only reveals your own ignorance and lack of insight and sensitivity. It also makes you a social liability. Who wants to be seen in public with someone whose boorish remarks might get you involved in a fight? Or worse?

Being prescriptive. All people hate being told what to do. Even if they have asked for advice. Telling someone what to do, takes their power away from them and makes them feel as if you want to take over. No one likes feeling that way. Most people do not follow advice they have been given, and rather than face your reprimands, they will choose to avoid you instead. Be wary of ever giving advice – ask people what they think is best in the circumstances. Most of the time people have the answers inside of them – they just have to think about it for a while.

Being thick-skinned and oversensitive. These two things usually go together, oddly enough. Some people will be unbelievably insensitive to someone else's feelings, but be hypersensitive when it comes to some slight they think has been passed their way. Generally, if someone is insensitive to your feelings and oversensitive when it comes to their own, people simply find it easier to avoid this person.

Applying two sets of rules. This is a deadly one. If you expect a friend or a spouse or a colleague to adhere to certain rules you have made, you have to stick to them yourself. Otherwise you are invalidating them. If you're not sticking to something, how can you expect others to do so?

Moaning Minny. This is the one who constantly whines about everything – usually things about which no one can do anything. There he goes again like a chainsaw – the weather, the government, the movie you chose, the food in the restaurant. The list is endless, but unfortunately your patience is not. Hit the road and do it fast.

Mine, mine, all mine. Being possessive about your friends is a sure way of getting rid of them quickly. If you have a problem with the fact that your friends also have other friends, it may be an idea to get help, while you still have any friends left. We are all naturally a bit possessive, but when it gets to the point where you throw tantrums when your friends see other people besides you, the red lights should be shining on bright. Just don't go down this road.

Centre of attraction. Me, me, me! Some people will do anything to get attention. Even negative attention. People who are attention junkies are socially exhausting, because they require all your energy, without giving you anything in return. People who become moody when they are not the centre of attraction are best avoided, as they are tiresome and their company is unrewarding in the long run.

1. One-upmanship

No.. I don't exagerate. Out!!

2. Not listening

Oh.. learnt this in Effective Communication subject, must balance in talking and listening. I listen more than i talk.. so.. Out!!!

3. Constantly coming late.

Err.... out of 10 dates/appointment, the probability of me being late is 4. Haha... this one, can count in lah....

4. Not respecting confidentiality.

Oh... people do tell me secret and half way telling me about it, i'll forget about the first half. Not that i dont' pay attention, just that, secrets are meant to be secrets, not to be remembered. Advices will come after ya telling me everything, if you need one, but then the next day, i'll forget partial of it. so.. this one.. OUT!

5. Being moody.

No, I'm not a moody person. Even when i'm in bad mood, usually sad or mad, people don't know about it because i hide it, except that you see me right at my eyes. Out again!!!

6. Being racist.

No.. I'm not racist. I'm racist to people who is racist...

7. Being prescriptive.

I nag, but out of love. No forcing, it's still others' choice after all.... so.. OUT!!!

8. Being thick-skinned and oversensitive

I am thick-skinned. Maybe that's why i can jump into a conversation with people easily. But some of time time, when i purposely stay at your house till late at night, thick-skinned-ly tell you, i will stay overnight at your place, that means, something is wrong with me and i don't want to go back home alone... kekeke...
Not oversensitive. AM quite a sensitive person. so.. OUT!

9. Applying two sets of rules.

No rules. rules is i have to go back home before 11.30pm. wuahahahah...

10. Moaning Minny.

I dont' moan. I may complaint, a way of pouring out things in my mind and to relieve it out. but after that, no, i don't complaint about it. Complaining, depends on what kind of complaing. Whether it's constructive or not, or just complaining/moaning for the sake of complaining/moaning and not doing anything about it, seems like complaining for nothing.

if you complaint about being boring, you can do lots of things like learn new hobby; ballroom dance, cooking, baking, you can help out at old folks home, do charity, get part time job and etc etc. Then you say you're lazy. Boring + lazy = don't complain!!

If you complain about your job/studies, change job/studies or start to fall in love with what you're doing now. maybe you're just looking at one view of that matter, try to see from other view, as one matter have different view, just like a car, from an angle it's not nice, but from other view, it looks elagant. not everything's perfect.

11. Mine, mine, all mine.

Oh.. I'm not possesive.. and tend to runaway from demanding/posessive people.
out again!

12. Centre of attraction.

No.. don't like limelight. Out!!!

Now, my score is less than half out of 12. Does that means i'm popular and usually booked over the weekend? No.. haha! Still depends on yourself to make yourself available to people, not waiting for others to ask u out.. hehe.. and I love people and to be with people..

Donation, here and there.

I was issued a summon today, traffic summon.

This morning i went to a Bazaar, held by an organization, raised money for the special need people. The bazaar was quite grand, as there are more than 300 stalls, and also traffic police and RELA helped to guard the traffic. Yes, i parked my car by the road side, same as everyone else. and i was issued a traffic summon. "kerana mengganggu trafik". *&*@^#*&%@*&^#(*&@^#(*&@*&@&#(*&@#(*&#. On the grass by the road side, menganggu trafik???!!!

Anyway... the bazaar was great. Dad bought RM230 of the bazaar coupon as donation. I bought RM10. A friend bought RM10 and gave me the coupon. So, i have RM250. Bought lots of vegetable, ice-creams, some food and still left RM40. Don't know what to buy.. i just left and went to lunch with a friend.

so... donated to the special need people, came out of the bazaar, need to donate $$ again (summon!!!)

-shall be continued-

Naughty Me!

During my secondary school, we used to shower birthday girl/boy with water. That was our culture. And I enjoy it very very much, the chasing around, prevent being wet and at the same time chase the birthday person around. Being a November baby, often my birthday falls on exam, so, not everyone have the mood to shower me, and throughout the year, I get to shower people. Haha! I’m not a big bully in school, I’m just ordinary student. But, when it comes to birthdays, I ‘bless’ people with showers of water.. kahkahkah….

So.. everytime I shower someone, I will tell mom about it and mom will say “be careful on your birthday, a lot of people will chase after you with buckets of water”. I replied mom, “they won’t”. But unfortunately, during one of the year, I was chased by at least 20 people, around the school compound and I was totally wet. Hahaha.. but I’m happy.

2 years ago, on this day, in the afternoon, I was at KLCC loitered around. I had a big plan to do that day, to sabotage someone. It was someone’s birthday and we planned to meet in the evening after work, but I went earlier without her knowing. I dropped by at KLCC, bought a fresh green apple. Then, got a small box, sat at A&W, packed box and then headed to friend’s office, next to KLCC. Just before I enter the office compound, I had a small bite on the apple, put it into the box, and packed it nicely with ribbons. On top of that box written, “Happy Birthday, from Anonymous”. That was the plan. I tip toed to into the office, caught one of the friend’s colleague and told him to pass the gift to friend but not disclose who was the sender.. kahkahkah… That was the big plan.

Then, I went back to KLCC, loitered till the evening, then only I looked for her. I had to act, like I just arrived, not tired and know nothing. She questioned me, asked me to see the package. So, I pretend I don’t know anything about it and go “Ewww… who did this???”.

Hahaha.. Anyway..

Dear Milia,

Happy Birthday! Been great knowing you. Love you – July 14^th

Dear Joni,

Happy Birthday dear Joni! You’re lucky you always not around during your birthday. But… but… be careful tonight, I heard a great plan is waiting for you… kahkahkah……

You’ve been a blessing to me! Happy Blessed Birthday! Love you – July 15^th

Dear Huei Sze,

Knowing u is one of the best gift I can get being in KDU. Although time we spend together is short, but just through those times really blessed me a lot, your encouragement, your experiences, your friendship really amazed me. I shall say, I look forward to spend more time with you, not to say forever, but as long as we keep in touch, we’re always partners. Hopefully, our dream of being firm partners will come true. Happy Birthday! Love you! - July 22^nd

Trip to Pulau Manukan

[Description comes after the pictures, cause some people wanted to see pictures... (i know u miss me and want to see how am i doing.. hahaha)]

Just last Saturday, I went to island, for the first time..exclude langkawi, with brothers and elder bro's gf and sister. Was reluctant to go at first, but i thought, it's gonna be a great holiday, short one day trip... so.. I went...

Just as we were trying the goggles, the GF was teaching her sister how to wear the goggles and try it out under the water. The minute she came out of the water, she yelled out with much excitement, "I saw fish!!!". haha...

Snorkeling in the morning was good, can see lots of coral and fishes. Those fishes actually swim around us, and if you're good enough, you can hold them on your palm. We were so lucky, we bumped to local divers whom i think are the lifeguard-cum-diver there. Brought me and the sister around in the sea, saw nemo and family (i did say hi for you, addy and yeng.. haha) and played a lot with the sea cucumber. ANd also saw starfish.. bright blue colour.. I seriously never know that starfish is blue in colour.. all the while i thought it's yellow. keke...

was a great experience. Didn't get tan. Only my back got sunburn, the part that i cannot reach to apply sunblock.. dumb.. hehe...

Pictures.. as i've promised.... don't drool while looking at the pictures.. i know i'm sexy.. hahahhaha....

anyway...



Me and the GF, Gracia

Me pickin up shells with the sister, Trina

The jetty behind the resort..



Me and Brother...

I thought we're going to this Island, quickly snapped it. But.. haha, that's not our destination... *blek*

While waiting to go back to the main land... camwhore again...

Trina and me.. on the way back...

Declaring Cold War

Hated the fact that I called but you never pick up and reply my calls, i messaged but you didn't even bother to reply. Am i so bothering or what. Just when I'm awfully low, and I need you so much but you never cared. I gave myself so much excuses, to comfort myself and to prevent myself from dislike you. I thought, maybe something wrong with my phone, I restarted it several times. or maybe something wrong with the operator, I texted people asking for reply to make sure nothing is wrong with the network operator. Maybe you're busy, so i waited for hours and hours. But... you disappointed me...

We had been sharing our life together, through the ups and downs, the laughter and tears and therefore i believe, you will never neglect me. Friend once said, in this materialistic world, people will never treat you out of the heart, be with you when you're happy, runaway when you have problem. I do believe this, but not in you. That's why I trusted you. But.... I can see that I'm no longer that important to you...

I know, I'll be alright and I know, you think that I'll be alright. And I know, u know that I always place myself in others' shoe, to think of others and to think for others, but sometimes, I need you to think in my shoe as well. I also need u to be there when i need someone, just like how when you are in your depressing moment that i stand up strong for you to lean and rest. Right now, I don't even know whether i'm depressed because of my problems or my depression is more onto because of you neglected me. Often when i know i'll be alright fast, I never tell you or anyone. But when I know, I won't be alright that soon and needed someone to be there, you weren't there.

Maybe... my impression and appearance tells people that I'm strong and solid, but actually, I'm just a dumb girl, some of the time... i fall too, and i need help too. At least, to whine a while and to pour out whatever inside me. I wish I am superwoman, but i'm not.

I know i'll be alright, that's the only way to comfort myself. Stress has been accumulating in me and I can only turn my stress into words - blog and diary. I don't want to hurt myself but punching the wall or anything around me. I don't want to eat to destress as I'll torture myself with frequent visit to the toilet. I don't want to get a boyfriend just to have someone always there for me when i want to whine/complaint/cry/scold/pour out/whatever cause this reason is SO wrong.

Please don't take me for granted.

Just me, take it or leave it!

A friend asked me the other day, why do I blog, "Are you seeking for attention??", I was asked.

No. definitely no.

Mr Lecturer said I have difficulty in expressing myself. Saw almost everyone have a blog... So I started blog.

Nothing outstanding, started off with just the normal what I've done and what i've encoutered, my experiences and my life. The happy and the laughter part, the insults and embaressment moment, the dumb and stupid of me and of course, the sad and crying part of me. Of course, when there are people appreciates those experiences, some people make fun of them. I don't mind at all, it's just part what I've encountered and what I've experienced. But lately, I've cut off the sad and stressful part, after a friend commented, why I have more of the sad than happy lately. I wasn't affected by the comment, but the comment made me realised, just posting the happy ones will make myself happy and friends who read it are happy too. haha..

But definitely not to seek attention. Not to make ANY judgement on others, and hopefully no one approach me and judge/criticise me. We all are learning, we all are growing. No one is qualified enough to make any judgment on other people when they are not perfect. And no one should throw any conclusion on others when you know nothing at all, or maybe didn't understand thoroughly. Obviously, I'm stressing this part, because of lately encounter with a friend that I care. Finding myself very hard to communicate with the friend, I now slowly letting the friend go, or selfishly i can say, slowly not to have that friend's life attached to my life.

Yes, I am selfish. Selfish in a way. I can accept criticism, reasonable ones.... as criticism can help to make me change. But a criticism after another and keep coming, hey, I'm not perfect and I shouldn't be judged according to your standard. Finding myself a REAL hard time in standing up and stand on my 2 feet, especially at this time when I am most stressful, after each of your calls and each of the complaints/criticism/comparison that you've thrown on me.

Okay.. enough of that.. had been trying to get that out of my mind, cause it really discourage me a lot.. making me thinking I am not a good girl/person/friend in any way.

Anyway, though in stress but still know how to find my way out of this... went Manukan Island last saturday, which i don't feel like going at first, but i know, my stress would be worst if i don't go and fresh up my mind. Snorkeling was so fun... saw this another world that i've never been before. Played with sea cucumber a lot and saw nemo and family. will definitely go again someday..... Any photos you might say.. haha... will share some later!

Love me, accept me, take me for who I am, not because of what I am.

For I love you, the way you are,

and i still love you for the flaw that you have,

for the weaknesses that you have,

for the person you are that makes you beautiful.

Being lawyer and Me

Recently, after being known to people that i'm doing law degree now, people first give me that look. That look that puts in the perception that all lawyers are sly, law twister, criminal's best friend and so on and I'm one of them, or in future would be like one of them. And often when I try to argue back and defence whatever accusation/matter that is throw onto me, even those that is not law related or just a daily life conversation or conflicts or arguments or whatsoever, the argument will end up with 'ya larh, she's a future lawyer. She talks and argues better than us, of course we lost in speech'. I once told my brother, people will see him as a saint or whatever good adjectives that you use to describe a person as he is a doctor, and me, would be described the other way round. Of course, usually, I just listen and let it pass. Not because i'm a loser, but just that i see no point arguing with these people.

I believe, if there are bad ones, there are also the good ones.... of course, I cannot be like Justice Pao, upholding the justice no matter how, but at least, we can help to reduce the burden that they have and to solve the dispute that they're involved in. As throughout the time of exposure to the real world during attachment while inbetween the summer break of the law degree course, i believe it really open up our mind and eyes, into how the world really works. Not to be shaken by it, we still tend to resist it and stand on our own belief that, hey, fair and just is still exist. Other than resisting on what is against our belief and life principles that has been in us guided by our parents since young, we continue on to stand firm on what we believe in and how we ought to act. Right now, while not in practise and seeing those who is in practise, we tend to pick and choose, how we want ourselves to act when we're in practise, how we want to live our way in practise. Some people say, you'll never know until that stack of money is in front of you, waiting for you to take it.. just like that, and whatever you say now, it doesn't matter until the moment you experience it yourself. Seriously, I'm not sure about it, I'm not sure whether i can stand the temptation when i'm thrown with huge stack of money, cause i've never experienced it. But right now, what I believe, what I stand and i still live on with that principle, that I shall live my life in Light, and not in Darkness. Although i don't know how would it be tomorrow, how life would be, and no one can guarantee, whether will still be the same person as I am now, in 10 years time, but right now, while I have my conscious clear, while I am still not out in the society yet and under my parents protection, i should have build my foundation firm. Just like the building, the foundation of the building is the most important one. But allow me to say, that, in future, if i am about to walk to the darkness, my fellow friends, especially my future partners, you can smack me hard, to kick me out of my unconsciousness (those who wants to take advantages/take revenge on me, can smack me real hard.... like think of how i used to bully you, and smack me.. but please... not on my face.. hahaha).

A pastor once told us about his experience, while he was in UK, practising as a doctor. Being an Asian, especially Malaysian, it was really hard to get into employment in UK. And after several months applying and attending interviews, at last, pastor was employed at one of the hospital. Happily he accepted it, he started working. just a few months, barely 3 months, there was a case of abortion that was passed to him. He rejected it, stand firm, still reject until he was asked to meet the director of the hospital. Still stand firm with what pastor believes, he rejected the case in front of the director. The director was amazed, with pastor, and went down to the ward and conducted the abortion himself. From that day onwards, any abortion case, is directed straight to the director.

"My dear children, you come from God and belong to God.
You have already won a big victory over those false teachers,
for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world." The Message, 1 John 4:4

Some people will say, no one can stand the temptation. No one is even perfect. Some will fall into darkness and fall greater and they still stand strong, as in strong in money. But how about the value that you have, the integrity and principle that you live on. Money won't last after all. What kind of legacy do u want to leave to your children when u leave the world? Money or value? Some people might say, hey.. everyone else is doing it, why not you?

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
NIV, Romans 12:2

I still believe, Heaven has eyes, that He is in control.
For this is what i belief and what I'm live on.
I've done mistake too, I've learnt too, and I'm still learning.

Being sentimental

Yesterday, i saw a friend's personal message "a warm message can warm 3 months winter". Yea, that explains why I store more than 300 messages inside my handphone inbox and more than 400 messages inside Sent Messages. Some messages as long as 4 SMS-es, which i told Addy.. it's no longer SMS (short message service) but Long-MS. Easily pleased i guess, just those words can really warm my heart.

Yeng said, previously we use SMS only... now we play with MMS... soon... 3G... haha... here are just some of it....





Addy saw that i was at IKEA... asked me to tahpao chicken leg for her.. so.. the next day.....






Yeng still laosai that time, so.. i was scolded lah after sending that MMS of meatless chicken to her... :p

Till then, will have next round of MMS-es again....

A gloomy day

"Budak! Kau tak pergi kerja kah?"
I woke up in shock, "Ah??!!.... Oh... Pergi!!!",
I slammed myself back to the bed.. thinkin... sigh.. i'm late again. It was 7.45am and my work starts at 8am... am terribly late.

Usually the sun is shining bright around 7am in Sabah, unlike in KL, but this morning, the day is still dark because of the rain. I did not get up and change in a rush, but rather, took my time, chose what shirt to wear, applied make up as if i'm going for a date... not applying extra make ups but rather just taking my time.... Not that i'm still sleepy.. but thinking about something... something that is stucked in my mind for the whole day.....

It has been almost 3 weeks that i'm back at home. Just rested for a week, i started week the 2nd week. Life is good back at home. But still, haven't get used to it. From a total freedom in KL, to haft-to-report-where-I-go-and-whom-i'm-meeting life here in Sabah. Not complaining about it, but just not used to it. And from being responsible to myself and myself only, and now, there is huge responsibility back home here. Friend was wondering, what huge responsibility that i have that making me so stress. I can't name it all, as everything just on my shoulder now. Everyday I keep on asking, did i try my best? How can I do better? Is everyone happy?

A friend messaged me this afternoon, telling me friend just argued with family, rather scolding about the family, friend asked me how to do better? How to make them satisfied? Friend is a young person as well. Sigh... what can i say. i can only say, i totally understand.

I always tell my mom, "thank God for your daughter is at home now and not at somewhere else, not having tatoo all over the body, doesn't smoke and drink and still listens to you". I know expectations given from parents are good as they do it out of love, i know stress and pressure is good, because it will help you to grow to a better person... Not wanting them to understand me, I just pray that I'll have bigger heart and stronger shoulder. I really don't mind having to sacrifice just to make everyone happy. I'm just tired.. I hope it's just PMS.. but i cannot have PMS for 3 weeks.... (*look at the ceiling*) ... Friend know it all, the ups and downs of me for the past 3 weeks. Until a point i also paiseh to tell friend about what's in my mind now. I hate myself too, for telling friend all these... letting friend to share a little bit of the burden that i have... hope this is just temporary...

Though it's gloomy day, i still thank God for this day.
As because of gloomy day, i learn to appreciate more when the day is bright shining...
and because of gloomy day, I know of Bright day.
Thank God for sadness, for in sadness i learnt to cling onto Him
and recognise true friends that He place around me.
If I'm happy everyday, I would not even know or recognise what is happy.