Being Happy

"don't think too much ya", anson said while poking my head.
"no lah, she won't", addy said after she kissed me goodbye.
It felt like both of them are couple, saying goodbye to their kid. But it was the other way round here, I dropped them off at the LRT station and both of them are...... not couple. It left me felt loved for 2 seconds, and I'm back again, started with a big SIGH. Life is.... depressing lately.

lately you're really depressed
cause i've think too much?
yeala
tracy already knocked my head just now
now is your turn
gona kick ur butt if u're still lidat in november

I started the day, telling myself that i want to be happy today. Is being happy a choice or not? I've tried too, but due to unforeseen circumstances and reasons, I'm back into staring at the air. Why so? Don't think it's because of PMS. Was listening to Stay the Same by Joe Macyintre over and over again in the library, and i kept on thinking and thinking. Funny. Young adult like me, what is there to be worried about.

i miss the old cheerful loud cyn
who doesnt think so much

I know, i've been flooding my fella friends the same thing again and again. I'm worried, I'm sick of it, I'm going to crazy soon. Even I myself can't stand myself, thinking the same thing again and again. Cause it's unfair to me, so d*mn unfair. I asked, can I just be me, just be myself? What is there to be worried compare to the stress and pressure of the young adults working the society. Everyday u face the challenge of people and peer pressure. U face the consequences of being demoted by your boss, or the fear of reputation drop in front of the boss just because of some itchy mouth of your colleague. Compare all these to what I'm thinking now, is NOTHING. Just that i'm in different environment that I've got no choice but to face all these.

oh well
it's juz up to you
dont be the person they want u to be
but rather be the person u wan to be

Am I being fake? Becoming the person that others wanted to be but not me? It is like, it wasn't me when i was in public face. Why is that? Because of the need of making friends? Because of the age gap that I'm facing? Or because of people have some certain expectation from me which left me out with no choice?

Know my boundary...

I remember one of the script line in John Tucker Must Die, not the real line, just the one that I picked up. "to know of your real friend, u must then be yourself, rather than becoming the person that they wanted to be". I don't know..... i really don't know. I had been the person that others wanted me to be so that I can suit in well, or rather, going extra miles just to reach out to people and as long as everyone's happy. Why am I still struggling with this? Cause i never draw a boundary, within my own limits or I can say, I carry the burden along, burden of others. It's alright to me, it's always alright to me, never realised that I'm already exhausted. And that is the problem, I never know my own boundary, I don't know what is the limit in offering a help.

And Teach/Learn how to catch fish instead of keep asking for fish....

In the Devil Wears Prada, this young girl whom just started work in the famous company, was so caught up with all the busy-ness and stress, and just over the dinner with her dad, she has to arrange a flight back from Miami for her boss. She has done everything she could but, no jet flying back because of the storm. Well, we saw her effort, but her boss doesn't know. Man, for us, it feels like going right straight to her boss's face and shout at her, but hey, do we actually do that in real world? Well, it will just give that young girl hard time working in the company. How many of us actually have face situation like that? Scolded by boss for our NO-RESULT-BUT-MUCH-EFFORT, or even blamed some mistake of others. Yea, sometimes we get scolded for nothing, which happened to a friend. We can get angry, scolding and cursing will all up in our nerve, and at last, we broke down and cry. We can actually just shout at the boss "That's IT!!!! I QUIT". Or we just bear with it? Do we go crying and quit just like that, even if you're thinking that your parents never even scold/shout at you like that!!! If we don't learn to survive, learn to stand up after a fall, start to learn how to deal with this problem, how many more people can help us? Cause for no matter how many times people teach us, if we don't learn it ourselves, we will never learn....

Thou it's hard and of course, it's not easy, to stand alone and face the problem ourselves, but, once we start to learn, after a few round of falling down, we're up, back and kickin, ready to face it again.

I guess, a little challenge doesn't stumble us but make us stronger. What's important is our heart, our perception, or mind in viewing this. Change a little bit a angle and we'll see things from different perspective. Man, you'll never know that the view from another angle is different.

But, isn't giving fish is an act of loving or caring?

Or maybe it's sweet, to have people keep on giving fish to us. How much can we rely on them and that we'll never grow. One day, the chapter of your life will end and soon come to another new chapter. How many people will still be with you from previous chapter and continue to love you and spoil you? Well, loving you not necessarily keep on giving fish to you huh. I hardly have friends that always be with me in all the chapter of my life. Primary school, lower secondary school, high school, A-levels, and my 4 years degree, I have only 2 that from High School that still close friends until now. I'm much blessed. But, still, they weren't always there for me during my 4 years degree, so, do i break down and cry all the time? No, they've moved on, I move on too. That's the truth of life, but it's not hurting at all. Some people wants to stay forever at that particular age and never want to grow up, but what's the point. Can the clock stop ticking? No. i wish, but no. I mean, for me, there're so much out there, and I'm here. Man, life is happening. Can't wait to get drunk and dance all night! (wish that will not come true... haha)

No... we need to learn it ourselves, cause not everyone will be with you all the time.

But.. I'm happy today. Apart from the matter that is troubling me, I've tried to be happy. And.. I did. Lunch was good, except for the journey part. Darren and Tracy had the speaker volumn so loud, that i can feel my heart pump together with the loud music. Sorry lah, I'm already old. can't take it.

I was replying and exchanging SMS-es when Addy did this to me... She doesn't want to study, I don't want her to distract me for a while, so, i let her... and I didn't know, it's such a colourful picture. Later when I went back home, I entered the lift and pressed the button with the coloured hand, I think, the lady in the lift saw it. I quicky hide it. Thanks to you Addy.

If u can see, there's a flower and a shit next to it.
Then a person pee by the river.
With cloud and sun.
And ya, she wrote "Addy was here" up there and bottom "A++".
O_o

And ya, apart from being drawn over my hand and my leg, I have a great time. I showed tracy and addy the green colour bruise on my leg and addy wrote "i was here" next to the bruise. Can't blame her, cause i think she got it from me. She got "i was here" in her note book from me. *wide smile*

Got to stop. Going to out to buy dinner. God Bless, You and Me!

Anson, you're so sweet today. Thanks!